


A Treehouse Covered in Salt

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Brat!Rey, Dealing With Trauma, Depression, Drug Addict Parents, Drug Use, F/M, Growing Up Together, High School AU, I'm gonna try and get you to a happy ending butttt, Intrusive Thoughts, Major Depression, Mental Illness, Mentions of past abuse, Modern AU, No age gap, Non-Linear Narrative, PTSD, Secret Frindship, Secret Relationship, Selfish Rey, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, The underage is two 16/17 year olds, This fic will likely be triggering, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, hopefully ultimately it will be healing, lots of talk of suicide, soft boi solo, this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-04-07 01:07:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14069589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: High school senior Rey Johnson has lived next door to Ben Solo her whole life. The two could not be more different and at school, Rey wouldn't be caught dead in his presence. That doesn't stop her from sneaking out to their treehouse every night. Despite her unwillingness to be friends with Ben in the light of day, he has always been there with her in the darkness.





	1. Flat Tire

  
  
**March 2005**  
  
Five year old Rey Johnson was in love with Ben Solo. He was five too but he was taller than her, which seemed fine since she was faster and better at coloring. Ben was her best friend and he lived right next door to her. Her bedroom even faced his so if they moved the curtains back at the same time they could make faces at each other.    
  
One day she figured they would have their own house, once they were married. She was definitely going to marry Ben Solo.  
  
Ben was lucky because his house always had a lot of food and his mom was always putting out snacks. Rey's mom never put out snacks, she usually had cereal for dinner and for breakfast but Leia made sandwiches and pancakes and pasta and she always let Rey come eat too.  
  
Ben also had so many toys. He had swords and he had nerf guns and a GameCube and things she had only ever seen on TV.  
  
But even better than all of the toys was Ben himself, he was always sneaking around finding cool things and coming up with the craziest games and challenges and always let her pick which truck she wanted first.  
  
He was Rey's favorite person in the entire world.  


 

  
**September 2016**  
  
It was cold, colder than it should be in mid September, but Rey thought it was fitting. Summer was over, school started again tomorrow.  
  
What a nightmare.  
  
She pulled her jean jacket closer around her. She had just put boots and a jacket on over her pajamas, like she always did at night. Her house backed up against a giant wood, and about 30 yards into it was The Treehouse.  
  
It was very nice, as far as treehouses went. Han Solo had built it himself almost a decade ago for a tiny Rey and and Ben. It was craftsman style with real shingles and the wood was stained dark and beautiful and it had skylights that opened up to the stars and closed water tight when it rained. If it had wifi, Rey would have lived in it. It had definitely aged over the years, but it was built well to withstand water damage to stay warm in the winter and to let a breeze catch on a hot day.  
  
Ben was already inside when she got there.  
  
He was lounging on the soft, waterproof mattress on the floor, something they had stolen from a rich neighbors giant pool chair, all legs and long dark hair a smirk.  
  
On one wall there was a shelf filled with tools and flashlights, an ancient stereo and and milk crates full of odds and ends.  
  
Battery powered Christmas lights adorned every inch of the ceiling, bathing the wood in soft golden light. There were laminated posters on the walls, pictures they had fought over years ago, a young Justin Bieber winking next to some slutty looking pin up girl with giant tits.  
  
"Did you bring weed?" Rey asked.  
  
"What, you think I just wanted to hang out with you? Like, sober?" Ben's face scrunched up.  
  
"Shut up Solo," Rey said, sitting down on the mattress.  
  
Ben shrugged and pulled out a joint. Rey reached for it but he held it out of her grasp.  
  
"My grass, my greens," he said.  
  
She rolled her eyes.  
  
She wasn't sure why they did this still.  
They had started sneaking out to The Treehouse when they were about ten. It was easy for Rey, whose mother always drank herself into a heavy sleep by 8pm. Ben had to wait longer sometimes.  
  
Now it hardly mattered, if either of them wanted to go for a pre bedtime walk, no one would argue. She didn't have to come out here to get stoned even, she could have blown it out the window, but still, she always did. It was the only time she ever spent with Ben anymore.  
  
Ben took a long drag on the joint, holding his breath as he asked her, "How's your asshole boyfriend?"    
  
Rey smiled sweetly, taking the joint from Ben.  
  
"Aww, he's wonderful, still quarterback of the football team."  
  
Ben rolled his eyes. He was in regular clothes, dark skinny jeans and a black hoodie and heavy motorcycle boots.  
  
"And what would Cedar Grove High's star Quarterback Armitage Hux say if he knew his girlfriend was doing drugs with resident creep Ben Solo?"  
  
"That weed isn't even a drug, and then he would probably dump me."  
  
Ben looked disgusted. He took another drag and said, "I don't get what you see in him."  
  
Rey didn't really have an answer. Hux wasn't nice, he wasn't even smart or interesting, but he was there and he was popular and dating him meant Rey was envied and that people looked up to her and she was a sucker for that validation and attention.  
  
"I'm sure you don't," Rey said. She passed the joint back to Ben, his fingers barely grazing over her skin but she pulled her hand back anyway. He pretended not to notice.  
  
"How's your mom?" He asked.  
  
Rey hummed.  
  
"Not great. But not terrible. I think she's holding steady for right now. I just need her to keep it together for a few more months."  
  
Ben nodded.  
  
"After your birthday they can't make you leave again, right?"  
  
Rey closed her eyes.  
  
"Right."  
  
Ben was quiet. Rey got up and went over to the stereo. It was battery powered, it played mostly cassettes (since they could buy them for five cents at the local thrift store) but had a space for CDs too. Rey looked at the CDs, found an old Nirvana CD, and popped it in.  
  
It was in Utero, darker and more melodic than Nevermind, but still upbeat enough to keep her mind from spiraling into thoughts about her mom. She put on Dumb, pressed song repeat, and sank back down next to Ben.  
  
He passed her the joint wordlessly and then dug around in his backpack, he pulled out a whole bag of cookies.  
  
Rey's stomach twisted, she had skipped dinner again, finding the cabinets absolutely bare and her bike tire flat.  
  
She smiled at Ben, taking the bag and pulling out a cookie.  
  
Chocolate chip. Her favorite.    
  
"Hey can you drive me to school tomorrow? Bikes flat," she said.  
  
"You want me to drop you off up the block like last time."  
  
Rey's stomach twisted. He didn't even sound mad about it, that was the thing. It was like Ben agreed with Rey that being seen together would be more Hell than it was worth, that it was a form of social suicide for Rey and attention he didn't want anyway for Ben. Still, part of her wished he would... She didn't know.  
  
"Yeah," she said.  
  
Ben nodded.  
  
They sat in silence, listening to Kurt sing about happiness, and Rey remembered that he was never actually able to find it.  
  
  
  
  
She met Ben outside at 7:30 the next morning. He drove a shitty 2006 Honda Civic and Rey rolled the window down so she could smoke a cigarette on the way to school.  
  
Ben didn't care, he did it too.  
  
"Don't forget to drop me--"  
  
"A block away, yeah I know, Jesus Rey you're ridiculous."  
  
And there it was, that hint of something else in his voice. It made Rey cut her eyes to him and then away.  
  
He pulled over two blocks from school and she got out.  
  
"Thanks," she said. Ben pulled away without saying anything to her.  
  
Rey sighed and dug her headphones out, pressing them into her ears before finishing the walk to school.  
  
She let her thoughts slip, just a little. It was like cracking open a door. The Ben Door, all the memories of Ben shoved in and locked up but still sometimes they slipped out.  
  
Holding hands while watching tv when they were seven. Ben giving her his popsicle when she dropped hers in the grass and taking the one covered in dirt for himself. Ben's silhouette moving behind the thin curtain of his bedroom, arms stretching up.  
  
She shut the door.  
  
Rey took a deep breath, and walked into Cedar Grove High School.  
  
  
Hux was really the worst kind of dude. Rey figured this made her the worst kind of girl because she put up with it, pretended to like it even. But being with Hux was easy, it required no brainpower, no real emotion. She could forget about her mom, she could forget about the past couple years completely, keeping up the ruse that she had spent six months with her estranged father in Europe. Hux didn't give enough of a shit about Rey's life to ever pry.  
  
It was easy, her friends were vapid and stupid and she could easily be that too, liked it even.  
  
Hux was tall and he had red hair and a sexy smile even if it was a little unpleasant looking and he kissed Rey hungrily before throwing an arm around her and heading off down the hall.  
  
Rey saw Ben by his new locker, mentally tagged the location, 223b, and let her eyes fall from his just as he noticed her watching.  
  
Effortlessly, she was laughing at something Hux said and then he was out of her line of sight.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That night was somehow even colder than the last, and Rey broke out her winter coat. It seemed ridiculous to need it in September, but it was definitely dropping below 40.  
  
She watched her breath gather in little white clouds as she wandered out to the woods.  
  
The lights in The Treehouse were on. Ben was sitting there with sandwiches. She felt like such an ass for this morning. For the last year. Three years.  
  
"You didn't have to do that," she said, slipping down to sit next to him.  
  
He just watched her, deep brown eyes narrow in his angular face.  
  
Ben was a self proclaimed weirdo, he isolated himself from people and he was always reading Kafka or Camus and glaring at people but under that he wasn't bad looking. His face was... interesting. He had pouty lips and a long nose and lots of moles like backward stars on pale skin.  
  
He always looked so intense, Rey couldn't look him in the eye for long. She couldn't keep it together if he was looking at her like that.  
  
"I had lunch at school," she said defensively. "I have money too just, busted bike. I'm working shifts at Nino's pizza, they feed me there too."  
  
Ben nodded, still watching her closely until she picked up a sandwich and took a bite.  
  
Only when her mouth was full did he turn away and pack a bowl.  
  
They ate food and smoked weed and listened to The White Stripes without talking much.    
  
When it was getting late, they walked back to their houses together.  
  
"Do you want a ride tomorrow?" Ben asked.  
  
"No," Rey said quickly, remembering her guilt this morning. She couldn't deal with it again right now, also couldn't just roll up in Ben's car.  
  
Ben just nodded and turned around to go inside.  
  
It was a long walk to school, but Rey would wake up early. It was for the best.


	2. Blood in the Dirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I love you guys so much. I couldn't do this without help from @black-lodge and @friendlyneighborhoodroomfriend and @a_little_hope you guys are wonderful thanks for supporting and editing and brainstorming with me.

**June 2007**

School had just let out for summer and Rey was done with third grade. Han had told them he was planning a surprise for her and Ben, and Rey was positively buzzing with curiosity.

When he had taken them back into the woods and showed them a pile of wood, Rey was initially let down. She had been expecting toys.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Well, right now it's just a pile of wood, but when we're done with it, you two will have your very own treehouse.”

Ben let out a delighted laugh and they both started jumping around excitedly.

“I know, I know, but listen, kids, we have our work cut or for us. Are you ready to get serious?”

Ben and Rey nodded enthusiastically, eager to show they were willing to work. And work they did.

Han set them to waterproofing and staining wood, giving them little masks to wear so they didn't breathe in the paint fumes. They handed him tools and even got to use hammers.

They spent a full month that summer working on it. Han was an expert carpenter and he cut and assembled with grace and artistry.

 

  
One afternoon, Rey and Ben snuck back to play with the unfinished house without Han and Leia knowing.

Rey had cut her hand on a saw and both she and Ben panicked that they would be in trouble.

Ben had looked resolute, serious in a way that no other eight year old ever looked.

He walked up to the saw and cut his hand too.

“Come on, follow me,” they crept underneath the half finished tree house and Ben took her bloody hand in his, she winced and tears sprung to her eyes as their mixed blood dropped into the dirt.

“It's okay, I know it hurts, but look, now we're a part of the ground here. Everything that grows is gonna have part of us in it.”

Rey's eyes widened. She never thought about things the way Ben did, would have never even considered putting a part of herself into this place in this way. Ben was always so clever, so much smarter than she was. She nodded.

“Okay,” she said, and she watched the ground swallow up their blood.

 

When the Treehouse was finally finished, lights were brought in and crates to hold toys like squirt guns and footballs and jump ropes. They had small plastic chairs and a table with markers and paper.

It was a dream. Rey couldn't believe it was hers. She ran to Han, pushing her face into his stomach and cried as she thanked him.

When she pulled back his eyes were soft and full of love.

“You earned it, kid. Take good care of it.”

Rey promised she would.

 

  
**October 2016**

When Rey told Hux she was a virgin she had hoped to slow down his wandering hands. She hated being touched in public, but she tolerated it because he liked showing off that she was his. That was part of the deal.

They were in the cafeteria, bunched around their usual table with the usual crew. The two of them plus Rose and Paige Tico, Derek Mitaka and Gwen Phasma. Hux had his hands all over Rey and she was trying her best to look like she was enjoying herself.

Her eyes found Ben across the room. He was eating alone, like usual. Sometimes he ate with his friend Poe, when Poe wasn't off making out with his boyfriend Finn. Most days it was just Ben.

He was already watching her, his expression dark. Rey had the fleeting feeling that she had just been caught doing something wrong, and almost pulled away before crushing the feeling down and looking away from Ben.

Hux pulled her into a hungry kiss and she tried her best to kiss him back. He was oblivious to her discomfort, as always.

Ben got up from his seat and Rey had another surge of emotion wondering if he was coming over to say something, but he had his eyes forward and he wasn't paying any attention to them.

Hux, however, had caught his gaze on Ben.

“Solo!” Hux yelled. Ben looked over at them. Rey's stomach dropped.

“You're looking especially school shooter-esque today. Got any big plans we should know about?”

Gwen started laughing.

Ben looked at Rey. Rey looked away.

Ben just shook his head, his expression annoyed and haughty, and kept walking.

“That guy is a such a mega creep, he's going to be a virgin until the day he dies,” Hux said.

“Oh like you're one to talk,” Gwen said teasingly. “When is Rey gonna let you pop her cherry?”

Hux wiggled his pale eyebrows at her.

Rey felt her face redden and busied herself with eating her pizza.

It had gone cold.

 

 

  
Rey caught Ben alone after 5th period. She glanced up and down the hall but it was empty.

“Ben,” she said. He turned to look at her. The collar of his black shirt was loose and she could see the dip of his throat give way to sturdy collarbones.

He was just watching her.

“I'm sorry about Hux. He’s...” She trailed off.

“Yeah. He is. That's why I don't really care about what he says.”

Rey felt her shoulders drop with relief.

“I guess,” Ben went on, “I should start thinking about you the same way.”

Rey felt herself blanch.

“Ben I--” She turned at the sound of someone coming down the hall.

“Better run,” Ben said, leaning close to her, eyes sharp and dark. “Wouldn't want you getting caught here with me.”

He turned and walked away.

 

 

That night Rey waited for Ben at the Treehouse. He never showed up. After an hour she was resigned to the fact that he wasn't coming, so she packed a bowl and put in a CD and allowed her mind wander to Ben.

She remembered him here, so many version of him evolving alongside her. Playing card games and Connect Four and bringing comic books up here. The first time they stole a bottle of wine and got drunk. Endless nights Rey lived here and hid from home.

The Ben Door was open. She felt so bad about what happened at lunch, with Hux’s words ringing in her ears.

_He’ll be a virgin until the day he dies._

Rey couldn't help it, her mind slipped and she remembered.

Ben, his mouth against hers, eager and breathless. The feel of his ribs under his skin, the dark trail of hair low on his stomach.

Here, on this mattress, his weight heavy on her, his little gasps against her ear as he pushed inside of her.

Rey was shaking. She stood up and paced.

There was a reason she didn't let herself remember these things, but it was easier when she had Ben there to remind her of the chasm between them. Now it was too much; missing him, knowing he was angry with her, always angry with her, that every moment felt like the last straw. And yet he always came back.

A voice in her head said _not tonight. Not anymore._

Rey tried to slow her breathing down, she curled up on the crappy mattress with her fists balled tight and eventually, hours later, she fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, your comments mean SOOO much to me.


	3. Just Open the Door

**October 2016**

Rey hadn't spoken to Ben in four days. She knew that if she wanted to talk to him, she was going to have to say sorry. She hated saying sorry, and really, wasn't this better? Wasn't this what she wanted? She had been waiting for Ben to finally be fed up with her, to stop looking at her like he was looking inside of her.

She wasn't going to talk to him.

It turned out she didn't have to. Ben tracked her down in the hall during third period. Rey hated math; she always asked to use the bathroom halfway through class to break up the tedious lecture, and she found Ben waiting for her, leaning against the lockers, looking tall and dark and intense.

“Rey,” he said, voice low.

“Ben? What's wrong?” Rey felt a surge of panic.

“Nothing, no, it's not that, it's just... I saw your mom this morning.”

Rey felt the color leave her face. She knew how bad her mom looked, skeletal and sallow, sores on her mouth and hands. She looked terrifying.

“It's not--it's not that bad,” Rey said.

Ben pushed his body off the lockers. Suddenly he was close to her, chest just inches from her own. Rey stopped breathing.

His eyes were so bright, and so dark. She had expected to find them flinty and cold, but they were soft, pleading.

“Rey, please talk to me.”

“I have it under control, I swear Ben, I do.”

She meant it.

Bens gaze was boring down into her. Suddenly he reached out, tucking her hair back behind her ear. His fingers warm against her cheek.

She reminded herself to breathe.

“Please don't shut me out, Rey, god, just stop… stop this. Please?”

His lip trembled a little on the last word.

Rey took a deep breath, snapped her heart shut.

“I don't know what you're talking about Ben,” she said cooly. “I have to go back to class.”

Rey backed away from Ben and headed back into math.

She would take calculus over Ben’s face, over his words.

Please.

  
Rey skipped after fifth period and went home early. Ben’s words were echoing in her mind, the phantom touch of his fingers across her cheek.

She biked home quickly. Even though Ben said nothing had happened, her anxiety had spiked uncomfortably and all she could think abou was checking on her mom.

The wind was cold on her face, tiny pinpricks, even the air was on edge. Rey stopped in front of her house.

The house was old. It had belonged to her grandparents before they died and she had lived in it her whole life. Slowly it had started to fall apart--the sideboard was cracked and the all the knobs were loose and the ceiling leaked--but Rey was grateful for it. The house was paid off in full, and it meant they never had to worry about losing it.

Rey had rushed home, biking so fast her thighs burned, but she couldn't open the door.

She reminded herself that nothing happened. Ben just saw her mom, the way she always looked these days, she wasn't going to find her dead on the floor, needle in her arm. That wasn't what this was. Still, she was terrified.

She went inside.

  
“Mom?” Her voice was high and and shaky.

Strong afternoon light was pouring in through the thin curtains, her mom was lying on the couch, unmoving.

“Mom?” Rey said again, pushing her shoulder.

Her eyes fluttered open.

“Hey baby,” she said.

Rey sighed with relief.

Her mother, Sarah Johnson, had been one of the most beautiful women in the world when she was young.

Well, not just when she was young. When she was healthy.

She was still young, not even 35, but she looked older. She looked delicate, veins heavy in her thin arms, eyes hooded.

“I got food yesterday, can I make you something? A sandwich? Pasta?” Rey asked.

“M’not hungry baby,” she said, closing her eyes again.

Maury was on TV; a woman was crying.

Rey went into the kitchen and made spaghetti anyway.

 

**February 2011**

Rey’s mom never did anything special for her birthday. They'd never had a party or anything like that, but Han and Leia would always take her and Ben out for dinner. This year was no different, and they had treated her to steak and fries and ice cream and Rey was supremely happy.

Ben and Leia had been talking about something called Arab Spring and how there was a revolution.

“It's all coming from the youth, Rey, they're just kids a little older than us. They're saying no more, taking a stand!”

Ben was so excited about it. He and Leia used words like Syria and Gaddafi and regime change. Han rolled his eyes and made a face at Rey which made her burst out laughing. She was so thankful for Han.

Ben was so smart. She nodded along with the things he said, but she had no concept of geopolitics, being only twelve and having no cable. It made her feel better that Han seemed lost also. If Han and Leia could make it work, maybe Ben would still like her even though she wasn't as smart as he was. Maybe.

 

They got back to the house after dinner, it was already dark and cold and she went to head inside but Ben grabbed her hand and said, “I have a surprise for you.”

He led her out into his backyard. There was a brand new bike, complete with a bow. Her old bike had gotten far too small, and this was a real bike, with gears and handbrakes.

She spun around, Han and Leia had gone inside, she would have to thank them tomorrow.

“This is for me?” she asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, of course,” Ben said.

No one had ever given her anything like this. It was so useful--so expensive.

Rey looked at Ben. He was taller than her now by a few inches, lanky and awkward and adorable and Rey threw her arms around his neck, standing on her toes.

Before she could chicken out, she pressed a kiss to his smooth cheek.

When she pulled back, Ben’s ears were red.

“Thank you,” she said. Ben shrugged but he was smiling, and he helped Rey walk the new bike into her yard.

 

**October 2016**

Rey worked four nights a week at Nino’s pizza. It was enough money for food and the electric bill and the occasional thing she needed to buy.

Rey had been exhausted after this afternoon after the combined emotional weight of Ben's words and her mother’s eyes and steeling herself to open her own front door. Her shift dragged on, her feet aching, and the bike ride home was freezing and a little damp.

Rey slipped into thick flannel pants and a hoodie as soon as she was home, and then she pulled the curtain back on her window.

Ben had his curtains pulled back too; he was in bed reading. She leaned on the windowsill, watching him.

As if sensing her presence, Ben looked up from his book. Rey froze, but she didn't back away. He held her eyes for a moment before looking down and busying himself with his phone.

Rey swallowed, moving away from the window.

Her phone buzzed.

Ben  
meet me in ten?

Rey felt a surge of relief, and then a bite guilt. She texted back quickly

Rey  
okay

Ben  
it’s rly cold dress warm.

Rey  
i will

Rey slipped leggings on under her flannel pants and pulled out her winter coat and a beanie and boots. Ben was waiting for her right outside, a small battery powered space heater in his hand.

They walked back to the Treehouse in the silence.

The woods were a living thing sometimes, Rey could feel them breathing.

Ben turned the space heater on and Rey turned on the lights and the small space was suddenly warmer and glowing.

Rey sat down on the mattress, Ben put on a Hozier CD and sank down next to her.

“Are you okay?” He asked her, voice soft.

Rey shook her head. Ben was the only person who knew the truth about her mom, about where she had been for all those months.

“I just need her to hold it together for a little longer. I'm almost 18. They won't be able to send me away after that; I can choose to stay and help her. But I don't know if she’ll make it that long without… something bad happening. Ben, I can't go away again.”

It was more honest words than Rey normally spoke. It burned her throat. This was a bad idea, for so many reasons. She should have said no, she should have just--

“Hey, look at me.”

Rey turned her face toward Ben. He was beautiful, sharp in the low light, the pale column of his throat and the milky skin his face a stark contrast to both his hair and the rest of his body, all covered in black.

“Rey, please, just tell me what happened.”

Rey closed her eyes. She couldn't do this.

“Ben,” she started and she took in a shuddering breath.

He sounded desperate.

“I just wanna help you, let me fight this with you, stop pushing me away. Just talk to me, tell me, Rey, please just tell me what happened.”

Rey's breath was too quick, the music too dark, Ben too close.

She could feel the dam inside of her breaking.

“Please don't do this,” she said. “I can't, please don't ask me to do this.” She was shaking now.

Ben's face broke. He was shaking his head.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, come here, it's okay,” he said.

Rey debated staying still, knew it wasn't an option, and moved closer to him, sliding down so her head was in his lap. She felt his large hand come up and push through her hair.

“It's okay, you're okay, I’m sorry.” He sounded wrecked.

Rey felt tears on her face, quiet and hot.

“You're okay, Rey. You're always safe here.”

Rey felt her breathing steady and her heart rate slow, soothed by the rhythmic motion of Ben’s hand in her hair.

Nothing was okay, least of all Rey, but she was in the Treehouse, and Ben wasn't mad at her, and those small mercies were enough to let her drift into sleep.

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is such a healing piece for me, I hope you guys love it like I do. Please tell me what you think, your feedback is so important to me and keeps me writing.


	4. November 14th 2016

**July 2014**

Rey had stolen weed from her mom.

She had taken just a few little buds and a pack of rolling papers and she met Ben at The Treehouse at noon in a warm, sunny day.

“You ready for this?” She asked him. “Ready to ignore every drug PSA on the planet and do some pot!”

Ben rolled his eyes but he was smiling.

She knew that he was worried, despite his eagerness to get stoned. He knew a little bit about what was going on with Sarah, was smart enough to realize that she was a drunk, at least, and Rey worried that Ben would think she was turning into the same. She worried that he would find out about the needles, that he would look at her differently.

But all the kids smoked pot. It was legal in like, half of the states now anyway.

Ben googled how to roll a joint and it took him a few tries but Ben was nothing if not studious and determined and he only ripped two papers before he looked up at Rey, a joint in his hand and a shit eating grin on his face.

It was hot in the Treehouse, the weak fans they had in all the corners only pushed the hot air around and Rey blinked sweat from her eyes as Ben lit the joint.

She went to the radio, put in a My Bloody Valentine cassette, and then slid down next to Ben on the floor.

His hair was plastered to his forehead, skin damp with sweat as he inhaled deeply and let his eyes flutter closed.

“It tastes weird,” he laughed, and passed her the joint.

Rey inhaled deeply, the dank, earthy taste filling her mouth and then her lungs and then her head.

“I like it,” she said, passing the clip back to him.

He nodded, long fingers grazing hers as he took the joint back.

Rey shivered despite the heat.

Ben was tall and lanky, dark curls unruly and too long for summer, but he refused to cut his hair now. She watched his cheeks hollow as he inhaled. Watched his tongue dart out to wet his lips. Watched his ridiculously long eyelashes flutter.

They passed the joint back and forth as the music played.

Being stoned was weird, Rey felt both heavy and light at the same time and she wiggles her fingers and started cracking up.

Ben watched her, face splitting into a grin and then he was laughing too.

Rey loved it when Ben was like this, he had been so serious lately. His parents fought all the time and it had pushed Ben into a sullen mood that seemed never ending, but like this he looked young and happy and Rey's heart soared.

Rey rolled her neck, stretching her back.

“I slept all wrong,” she complained, trying to crack her neck.

“I could like, give you a massage, if you want,” Ben said tentatively. “It's supposed to feel really good when you're high.”

Rey's heart went into double time, she tried to keep her response casual but her voice sounded weird.

“Yeah okay,” she said.

She scooted so she was in front of Ben, her back to him and his long legs flush against hers.

His hands came up gently, fingers tracing the knots of her spine. It was really hot out, she was in just a thin tank top and shorts. His fingers dug into her skin, working the muscles of her shoulders.

She was hyper aware of his touch, the weed and the golden sunlight making everything strange and intimate. She bit her lip to keep from moaning but it felt so good, she couldn't help the breathy sigh that escaped. Ben's hands stilled for a moment, then began to rub deeper.

“Is that good?” He asked, and his voice was a little higher than it normally was.

“It's amazing,” Rey said.

Ben's hands on her body was its own drug, stronger and deeper than weed could ever be. Rey wanted to do this all the time, wanted to live in a world where his hands were always on her. She tilted her head to give him better access to the muscles at the base of her neck.

Ben had stopped digging into her and was gently trailing his fingers over her, fingernails grazing along her skin, leaving goose flesh in their wake.

  
When he spoke, his voice was right against her ear.

“Better?”

Rey turned her head and she was so close to him, their faces only inches apart. She was still pressed against his chest. His eyes were dark and hungry and she felt everything shift. The world had tilted and slid her right into Ben Solo’s lap and she desperately wanted to kiss him, didn't want to do it just because she was stoned.

Rey couldn't make her mouth work right away so she just nodded and scooted up before speaking.

“Much better,” she said, “thanks.”

 

**November 2016**

Sarah Johnson was good at being a drug addict. She had been on disability for years and every month she got a check, which she promptly spent on heroin.

Usually, she could make it last the whole month.

Not always though. Sometimes she burned through her money in as little as a week. She managed to make it two this time.

Sarah was withdrawing and it was ugly. She was violently ill, body ruined with sores and ribs sticking out and dark circles. Her lips were chapped and white, her eyes bloodshot.

Rey knew that coming off heroin wasn't as dangerous as using heroin but it was uglier and louder and more violent.

She’d had to pee behind the house because her mother was locked in their only bathroom.

Rey was banging on the door.

“Mom PLEASE, let me in,” she sobbed.

Rey pressed her face to the cool wood. She could he's her mom retching.

Rey couldn't handle it. She wished she had someone to call, that she had a real boyfriend who could hold her and make her feel loved and safe.

The only person she wanted to see, she couldn't.

Shouldn’t.

Sarah _screamed_. 

  
Rey  
pls take me away i can't do this

Ben  
what's wrong ??

Rey  
she's kicking but it's horrible ben she's screaming can't u hear her? i'm gonna lose it

Ben  
meet me outside in five

Rey grabbed her coat and her bag and was outside within thirty seconds.

Ben met her a few minutes later.

“Get in,” he said. She had assumed they would go to The Treehouse but his voice was steady and left no room for an argument so she climbed in.

  
As soon as they peeled away, Rey was crying.

It wasn't just her mother, it was her entire life.

She wondered, for the millionth time, what her life would have been like if she had parents like Han and Leia. If she was as smart as Ben. If she hadn't been doomed from the start. She knew that this was what her entire life looked like, waiting for her mother to die until her mother really did die, and then living in the falling down house and waiting tables and rotting away in this shit eating town.

At least it was different for Ben.

Ben had options. He was so, so smart, he could get out. Rey would never get out.

Tears fell silently.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ben asked.

Rey shook her head.

Ben's hand came to rest suddenly against her thigh, the heat of his skin apparent even through her jeans. Rey took a shuddering breath. His touch was grounding and she felt herself tethering back to him, his thumb tracing slow circles over the denim of her jeans.

She didn't want to feel this, she couldn't feel this, she had worked so hard at pushing Ben away and she broke all of her own fucking rules. None of this was fair to him.

“I'm sorry,” she said.

“For what?” He said, and she knew he meant, _for which thing_ , and not, _don't be sorry_.

_For meeting me. For dragging you down into the shit that is my life. For being horrible. For existing._

“All of it,” she said, “dragging you into this.”

“Rey,” Ben said, and she turned to watch him. His eyes were on the road, his jaw muscle working as he looked for words. He didn't find them.

The best thing Ben could do for Rey was get out of this shit hole. Find a life for himself that didn't involve her, a place where her darkness couldn't reach him. She couldn't tell him that though, he would never understand.

So she didn't say anything, and eventually Ben moved his hand back to the steering wheel and drove them out of town.

 

Ben drove and drove and Rey felt herself relaxing into his presence, the soft music coming through the radio. She fished a cigarette out of her bag and rolled the window down.

The sun was already hovering low in the sky, the late autumn light was eerie and bright.

Ben was haloed in gold. He was so much bigger than he had been even a year ago, before she had left. He had always been beautiful, but it was always subtle and strange. Now it was blatant, the broad angle of his shoulders, the cut of his cheekbones, the slant of his mouth, both severe and soft.

Eventually, once they were far away from Cedar Grove, Ben pulled into a roadside diner, complete with a neon retro exterior.

Rey liked the campy feel.

Her mood had increased with every mile Ben had put between them and Cedar Grove. Out here, far from everyone she knew, she could relax a little bit. Just be out with Ben and pretend that this was her real life, that she was a normal teenager on a normal date. That she wasn't cursed, that she wasn't tainted. A voice in the back of her head was whispering, reminding her not to grow too fond of things she couldn't have.

The Ben Door cracked open, his hands on her skin, his lips on her neck, his body moving against hers.

She shut it.

They slid into a vinyl booth.

Rey knew she looked like she'd been crying but there wasn't anything she could do about it so she ordered french fries and Ben ordered pie and they listened to Dolly Parton warble over the speakers.

Ben pulled his phone out.

Rey wondered who he was texting. Finally asked.

“Got big plans you’re missing or what?”

She was trying to be funny but Ben's face darkened a bit and he shook his head.

“No it’s-- it’s my mom.”

And it hit Rey.

_November 14th._

“Fuck Ben. It's your birthday.”

Rey felt horrible. How could she have forgotten? She had just demanded his attention and he had dropped everything for her.

Rey started to cry.

“I'm sorry, you shouldn't be with me right now I'm horrible, I didn't think I was so-- Ben I'm so sorry, happy birthday.”

“It's okay, it was just dinner with my parents as usual.”

“It's not okay, I'm the worst friend--”

“Is that what we are?”

There was anger in his voice. Rey choked on her words. She opened her mouth to speak but the waitress came over with their food, setting plates and sodas in front of them. Ben smiled up at her, and then turned his face back to her, smile gone.

Rey didn't know what to say. She put a french fry in her mouth.

Ben took a bite of pie.

“Have you applied to any colleges?” He asked her, clearly trying to change the subject and bring normalcy back.

Rey had not. She had no plans to.

She cleared her throat and blinked the last tears out of her eyes.

“Uh, no I mean-- my grades aren't that good. And I have to take care of my mom-- I can't go far, Ben.”

He looked so sad, what right did he have to look so fucking sad. He said it himself, they were hardly friends.

“It's okay, I never had big college dreams.”

Rey couldn't think of a future beyond what her life was. Beyond trying her best not to end up like her mother. She pictured herself at 30, smoking weed in a falling down treehouse that Ben hadn't set foot in for years.

She pushed the thought away and ate her fries.

 

They left the diner and they drove and they drove until darkness had fallen and then Ben finally spoke.

“I applied to Princeton and Yale.”

Rey felt a war of emotions, pride and joy and rejection and despair. She felt her eyes fill with tears again but when she looked at Ben she was smiling.

“I hope you get in,” she said.

_I hope you get out_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this is so emotional and I'm surprised how much I'm pulling from the deepest parts of myself. It means a lot to hear what you guys think. I promise this will ultimately be healing, there's just more of this road to walk down first. Endless love to you all.


	5. Trust Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heavy stuff kids

**March 2012**

It was a bad week. Rey had been trying to avoid her mother as much as possible, but eventually something was going to give.

Rey was hungry. Ben had been away with his parents for the weekend and normally she could rely on them for backup food, but she hadn't eaten in two days. Her body felt hollow, her head hurt.

She went to the fridge, nearly empty, and found a stick of butter. She ate it greedily, licking the thick residue off of her fingers.

Sarah caught her.

Rey felt her neck snap back, her mother had her by the hair. Rey screamed.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sarah screamed.

“I'm sorry! I was-- hungry I didn't-- I didn't mean,” Rey stammered.

Sarah pushed her back.

“You're disgusting. The last thing you need is to be eating fucking butter.”

Sarah pinched Rey’s arm.

Rey looked down at herself. She was thirteen and a hundred pounds. She started crying.

“Stop fucking crying. You're a waste of god damn space, nothing but trouble since the day you were born. Nothing but fucking trouble.”

Sarah grabbed a plate and threw it across the room. Rey bolted for the door.

She was heading to The Treehouse, but she only made it as far as the yard before someone was chasing her. Panicked, she ran.

They caught up with her, a large hand coming down on her shoulder.

“Hey kid, what's going on?”

It was Han. Rey looked up at him and her tears came harder. She pressed herself against him. His arms came down to circle her.

She couldn't speak, couldn't explain what happened but she didn't have to. His eyes darted to her house.

“How's about a sleepover? Ben missed you this weekend, come on.”

Rey followed Han into his house. It was warm and bright and full of love in a way that made Rey feel worse and better somehow. Ben was sitting at the table with Leia, eating pizza. He stood up when she came inside, staring at her, worried.

“I'm okay,” she said, eyes on Ben.

“Rey! Sweetheart, come have some pizza,” Leia said, her voice easy and light.

She sat down quietly next to Ben, who followed her on the bench seat. His eyes were on her, searching.

She took a slice of pizza and ate it too quickly. She hiccuped. Suddenly she was worried she would cry again.

Until Ben's hand found hers under the table and held tight.

 

**November 2016**

  
Rey and Hux were at the mall. They had seen Arrival and Rey had loved it, Hux seemed indifferent.

“I probably would have just blown up the aliens, I think it's ridiculous that even a linguist could learn to communicate like that.”

Rey rolled her eyes.

“I thought it was a clear metaphor for the current political climate, you didn't get that?”

“For fuck’s sake, Rey, it was an alien movie. This isn't English class, you're not being graded.”

Rey blushed.

He dragged her to the food court and made her buy her own Panda Express.

They were sitting at a small table. Hux was recounting a tasteless joke he had heard at football practice when Rey felt a chill on her spine. Her eyes shot up. Ben was across the room, behind her, and he was… holding hands. With a girl. Jess, she knew her from school.

She was pretty.

Ben hadn't seen her yet, she wanted to disappear. Panic was creeping in like ice in her veins.

Jess was laughing and Ben had a soft, secret smile on his face and suddenly she was kissing him. Causally. Like she did it all the time.

Rey suddenly felt sick.

“Jesus, look who actually found a date,” Hux said, finally following Rey’s eyes. “Seriously can you imagine fucking that dude.”

Rey felt the world tip under her. She was too hot, too closed in.

“I gotta pee,” she said, and she slid out of the seat.

Ben's eyes found her as she rushed to the bathroom, but she didn't hold his gaze.

She barely made it into the stall before the noodles and popcorn she had eaten came rushing out of her body.

  
**August 2015**

Summer was sticky hot and oppressive. School started in a few weeks and Rey and Ben would begin their junior year. She was desperately clinging to the last few golden days of August.

She and Ben had the freedom of his new (old) car and they had spent the last two months finding hidden streams and ghost towns and the best coffee places in a 30 mile radius.

Rey loved being in the car with Ben. He was so relaxed, windows down, hair blowing. She liked the way his hands looked on the gear shift and the steering wheel. Long, ivory fingers with knobby knuckles and neat nails. They looked even better driving than they did when he played guitar and almost as good as when he played piano, which was her favorite.

Her own hands were small and rough and tan. Nothing like Ben’s but she liked the way their fingers looked when they tangled together. She wanted to grab Ben’s hand like she would have a few years ago, carelessly. It was different now.

“Where are we going?” She mused.

“I read about a giant abandoned house nearby on Reddit. I thought we could go explore it. Take pictures or whatever.”

Rey's eyes lit up.

“Oh, you're good, Solo,” she said.

Ben looked at her and he smiled, a real smile, brighter than the sun.

Rey felt that smile seep into her, warming her from the inside.

She wanted to touch his face.

It wasn't exactly a new feeling but lately it had become overwhelming. Rey was never the kind of girl to daydream about kissing boys and Ben had just always been there, fun to tease and easy to touch until suddenly every passing glance and brush of his fingers on her arm left her head spinning. It was honestly embarrassing.

 

The house was more like a ruin. It was glorious in its utter destruction. Ben pulled up alongside the house, kicking up dirt.

“It's oddly beautiful, isn't it?” he asked.

“It's broken, and strange and kind of sad,” Rey said. “But yeah, beautiful too I guess.” She playfully pushed his shoulder. “Come on, let's go inside.”

It was a magnificent ruin. Only the stone foundation had held up, the walls had crumbled and nature had come to swallow them. A tree was growing right though one of the rooms, creating a dappled roof of leaves and light.

The inside had been spray painted with graffiti. A giant pink tombstone had the words “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt” in big letters across it.

“Vonnegut,” Ben said.

Of course he would know. She smirked.

She used her phone to snap a picture.

“Stand in front of it,” she said, and Ben moved to scowl at her from in front of the wall. She snapped more pictures, smiling.

“Come on,” he said, and he grabbed her hand. Rey's heart pushed into her throat.

They wandered deeper into the old house, stepping over beer bottles and cigarette butts and other flotsam.

Ben found an old cracked window with a branch coming through it. The light was strange in here, it was like an experiment had gone wrong, a house and the woods had tried to occupy the same singular space and congealed into some monster of stone and plant.

It was oddly beautiful.

Ben picked up a stick.

“There's a spider on here,” he said.

“Don't even think about it,” Rey said, stepping away from him. Ben smiled wickedly, and surged toward her. Rey squeaked and gave chase.

Ben took off after her, she scrambled over a caved in but of ceiling and into a wide room with no ceiling, walls covered in rainbow graffiti.

Ben followed at her heels and Rey squealed as she darted further away from him, doubling backward.

He caught her, arms around her waist, and he spun her, trapping her between his body and the wall.

He had dropped the stick at some point. Maybe there had never even been a spider at all. It was just Ben, so, so close to her, eyes bright and dark.

Rey felt her heart stutter, she couldn't move, just blinked up at him. Suddenly they were so still. He brought one hand up to push a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

“Rey,” he said, and his voice was shaking. “Can I kiss you?”

Rey couldn't speak, she just nodded, and then Ben’s mouth was pressing against hers, his lips soft and firm under her own. She opened her mouth a little and felt his tongue slide against her lips. It made her breathless and her hands clawed at his shoulders. He made a little sound against her mouth and then his denim clad thigh slid between her legs so she could grind against him and it was too good, Rey saw stars.

“Oh Rey,” Ben whispered, hand coming up to her face.

She caught his mouth again, eager, desperate.

Ben was kissing her. It was his tongue in her mouth, his hands on her skin. She shivered despite the summer sun and let herself be swept away in him.

 

  
**November 2016**

Rey didn't go to meet Ben that night. It was freezing anyway and she had leftover Panda Express since she lost her appetite halfway through her meal. She still didn't have it back.

She had the image of Ben kissing Jess burned into her eyes. She couldn't close them without seeing it.

He looked… happy.

Good, right? This was what she wanted, what she had been pushing Ben toward. A life without her. She should be happy that her plan was working, that he only saw her as a friend.

Instead she felt horrible. She really was the worst kind of person. Her phone buzzed.

Ben  
come smoke w me ??

She debated ignoring it

Rey  
tired

Ben  
i was gonna tell u about jess

Ben  
idk why i didn't im sry

Rey  
i don't care, im glad ur with someone who makes u happy

Ben  
ok

Ben  
nite rey

Ben  
<3

Rey rolled her eyes. Hearts meant he felt guilty. Why the fuck was he feeling guilty? He had nothing to feel sorry about. She had been at the mall with _her_ boyfriend after all. This was fine. Rey closed her eyes and fought off tears. She laid awake in bed for an hour before she saw Ben’s light turn off. Then she closed her eyes and slept.

**August 2015**

Rey was worried that if Leia knew about all the kissing, she wouldn't be allowed to spend so much unsupervised time with Ben, so they were trying to play it cool. They had taken to making out in The Treehouse in the week since Ben had first kissed her, but it wasn't all they did. It was sort of like an added activity, like smoking or playing cards. Sometimes they just talked, Rey would lay her head on Ben's chest and listen to his chest rumble as he spoke. Sometimes they got stoned and danced around. Sometimes they drove for hours, winding through the woods, hands laced together.

Sometimes they kissed in the backseat of the car. When Ben pushed his body flush against hers, she could feel the physical evidence of his desire and it made her dizzy, just knowing she affected him at all.

“I can't believe I get to kiss you,” Ben whispered against her neck one night as they lay on the old mattress in The Treehouse.

Rey giggled and curled closer to him. She wanted to do more than just kiss, but sex with Ben was a line she was nervous to cross. She knew that something would change forever when they finally did it and she was nervous, not about the act itself but about what it would do to their friendship, and to her heart. It seemed bigger somehow than anything she had ever done.

It didn't stop her from _wanting_ , though.

“I've wanted to do this for so long,” Ben whispered.

“Oh yeah? How long, Solo?”

Ben laughed a little.

“Uh, I don't know exactly. I don't think there was a single moment. I just always wanted to be around you and that feeling sort of shifted, a few years ago I guess. Like by the time we started tenth grade I had such a crush on you,” he said, blushing. “You looked so cute on the first day of school when my mom took our picture, I think my hands were shaking.”

Rey grabbed Ben’s hand and kissed his knuckles.

“I knew I was gonna marry you by the time we were in kindergarten,” Rey said. She realized after the words had left her mouth how serious her confession sounded. She blushed.

Ben propped himself up on his elbow to look at her, and his face was so soft, so full of love. He kissed her, slowly, letting his hand tangle in her hair and pulling her closer.

  
There were a few days left of summer, six to be exact. Rey and Ben had snuck into a motel pool just outside of town and spent the day floating and eating sandwiches and jumping on each other in the pool, so much smooth skin exposed.

Rey was happy. Like, really happy. She wasn't sure exactly what Ben saw in her, and a small voice in her head still whispered about the future that Ben had compared to the future that Rey had, but when they were together it seemed like they could do anything. Maybe she could follow Ben to a good college if she worked really, really hard and wrote a killer essay. She smiled at the idea.

Ben kissed her fiercely at the last stoplight before they turned on to their street, making sure they were a safe distance apart before pulling into the driveway. He squeezed her hand and she jumped out of the car, heading back into her house.

“I'll see you after dinner,” she called to Ben.

Rey bounced to her front door, throwing it open.

“Mama? You here?” Rey called, throwing her bag down by the door. No answer.

She felt an eerie sense of dread.

“Mom?! Hello?”

Rey walked slowly upstairs, her heart rate spiking.

She opened the door to Sarah’s room and screamed.

Sarah was on the floor in a heap, face near a puddle of vomit. She was pale and unmoving.

Rey ran to her, turning her over. She couldn't tell if she was breathing. She grabbed the phone and called 911, sobbing too much to make any sense at first.

“Please, it's my mom, she's -- I think she overdosed, she's not moving! Oh my god she's NOT MOVING, someone please come help,” Rey screamed.

“Ma'am we have someone on the way, what's your address.”

Rey barely got the words out. She called Ben when she hung up, and she knew she wasn't making any sense but he was inside her house in a matter of minutes.

“Oh fuck,” he said, bending over Sarah and checking for a pulse.

“She's alive, baby, she's alive, it's gonna be okay,” he said, voice shaking.

Some part of Rey’s brain realized Ben had never called her baby before. Most of her brain was screaming with panic.

  
They heard sirens.

Ben wrapped his body around Rey, shielding Sarah from view.

The ambulance came and Leia was there, tears on her face, talking to the medics. There was no way to know how long she had been laying like that. Long enough for her vomit to start to dry and congeal.

As soon as the ambulance pulled away Rey tore herself out of Ben's arms and puked in the bushes before collapsing on the ground. His hands were on her, pushing her hair back, rubbing circles on her arms.

  
The ride to the hospital was a blur. Rey sat in the passenger seat of Ben’s car as they rushed to the hospital, smoking a cigarette in silence.

Once they were in the Emergency Room she caught words like _overdose_ and _child protective services_ and _foster care._

They were going to take her away. She started to panic, breathing heavy.

Leia's hand was suddenly on her face, her warm dark eyes, Ben’s eyes, peering into her own.

“Rey, you're going to stay with us tonight. In the morning, CPS is going to pick you up.”

“Do I-- do I have to go? I can't stay with you?”

Leia looked immeasurably sad.

“No, honey, we’re not certified to keep you or we would. I can see what it takes to do that but right now,” she sighed, “right now you have to go for a little bit. Ben, why don't you take Rey home. I'm going to finish up here and I'll head back in a little bit. Go put a movie on, try to rest.”

  
Ben was eerily silent on the ride back. She could see a muscle working in his jaw, his fingers tight and bloodless on the steering wheel. When they pulled up between the houses he turned to her.

“Go pack a bag, whatever you need, and meet me at The Treehouse in twenty minutes.”

Rey nodded numbly, reaching for the door handle. Ben caught her arm, his eyes were serious.

“It's going to be okay. Trust me.”

Rey nodded.

She packed blindly, throwing clothes and her journal into a bag with a few pictures of her and Ben. She looked around, debated cleaning up the puke in her mother's room and decided not to. She couldn't handle it.

She headed out back to the woods.

Ben was waiting for her, sitting on the old mattress with a backpack.

“What's all that?” she asked.

Ben stood up and walked toward her slowly, he looked somehow calm and chaotic, like the sky before a storm.

“Rey,” he said, and his hands came down to her shoulders. “Baby, I'm so, so sorry, I'm so sorry.”

“I don't wanna go,” Rey said, “I don't wanna leave you.”

“I'm not leaving you,” Ben said. “I packed a bag, too. We're leaving together.”

“What? Ben…”

“Look at me,” Ben looked older than he ever had before, bigger and more serious, wild in the warm glow of the string lights. “We’re running away. I'm not letting them take you, I won't let them take you. Rey, I love you. I'm so fucking in love with you. Whatever it takes to stay together, we can do it. I-- I have Bar Mitzvah money saved, at least two grand. We can find somewhere to hide. It's gonna be okay.”

Rey's head was spinning. Could they really do this? Could she really do this to him? Ben, who had this bright future, Ivy League plans, he was just going to throw it away for her?

“Ben, you-- your whole life, you can't just throw it away for me.”

Ben straightened.

“Do you love me?” he asked, and she could see he was unsure now.

“More than anything,” she grabbed the front of his shirt, tears falling freely. “More than anyone, Ben, I love you with every atom of my being but don't you see, that's why I can't let you throw it away for me.”

Ben kissed her, he was crying too, his hands wild in her hair.

“All I want is you, Rey. We’ll figure it out just… please. Come with me, we'll get away from all of this.”

Rey nodded. All she wanted right then was Ben, all of Ben.

She kissed him, sloppy and hungry. She clawed at his shirt and he pulled it over his head. She let her mouth drop to his collar bones, then dip of his sternum, his uneven ribs. He pulled her back toward the bed, bringing her down on top of him.

Rey reached back and pulled her own shirt off. It was warm in The Treehouse but she got goosebumps anyway.

She still had her bathing suit top on from earlier. Ben's hands came up to undo the tie and it fell away.

She heard his breath catch in his throat, and then his mouth was on her chest. Every place his skin made contact with hers felt like fire. She couldn't think about anything except getting _closer, closer._

She clawed at his jeans, unbuttoning them. He was puffing little breaths out against her face as he pushed them down, undoing Rey’s shorts.

Ben pushed at her shoulders and she rolled off of him, laying on her back as he pulled the shorts off of her hips. There was a desperation between them that was new and all consuming. She thought she might die if she didn't get _closer, closer._

Ben paused before pulling her bottoms down, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

And then Rey was naked, she thought she would be embarrassed, would want to cover herself up but this was Ben and she wanted him to look. To see her.

“You're so beautiful,” he said, trailing kisses down her jaw as he pushed his jeans and boxers off his legs.

Suddenly his fingers were on her and Rey's eyes went wide. She had never felt anything like it.

“Ben,” she whimpered, and he kissed her again before bending over to get something out of his bag. He came back up with a small square wrapper. Rey blushed, he was prepared for this.

“My mom started keeping them in the bathroom drawer about a year ago,” he said sheepishly.

Rey nodded. Ben stopped, naked. She let her eyes fall across his body. She wasn't seeing that much more of him than she had seen in the pool just hours before, but this last bit of him finally revealed to her was so secret, so private that she felt her body flush.

“You wanna do this right? I mean, we don't have to, we can wait. We have time.”

They didn't have time, Rey knew it in her bones even if her head hadn't caught up with her yet.

“Yes, I want it, Ben I love you, I want to do this.”

Ben looked relieved. He kissed Rey again, settling himself between her legs.

“Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?”

“I promise,” she said, letting her legs fall open.

  
The sensation of having Ben inside her was unlike anything else she could have imagined. She was suddenly so _full_ , and so, so close to him.

He was bracing himself on his hands at first, and then on his elbows as he pushed fully inside of her.

He wasn't moving, she could hear his little gasps against her ear and brought a hand to tangle in his dark curls.

“You okay?” he asked.

It didn't hurt, exactly, but it didn't feel good the way girls always looked like it did in porn but it was Ben, she was connected to him. She looked down to where their bodies met and her head swam.

“I'm so good,” she said, “you can move.”

Ben bit his lip and then he was moving and oh, okay, that was better.

She couldn't believe how their bodies rolled together, how every time she arched or clenched Ben would gasp against her, how every time he surged forward she made a throaty little noise.

She had never felt so loved, so safe, so important. She knew that until the day she died, this would be the pinnacle of loving and being loved. Here, in their own space, here, with the only person in the world she would ever love.

It was like she had unlocked some secret power she never knew she had, some secret thing inside of her and inside of Ben too.

He looked beautiful, just wrecked. His eyes were dark and bright and he kept whispering her name as he moved against her. She could feel his hips speeding up, knew he was close. She dug her nails into his back and whispered his name, whispered love, love, love as he stilled against her, a small sob pressed into the crook of her neck.

He collapsed onto her, kissing her skin. Rey was crying, clutching Ben to her desperately.

“It's gonna be okay,” he said. Rey knew that wasn't true. She already knew what she had to do.

She opened her eyes.

“Ben, I love you, okay? Promise me you won't ever forget it.”

“I won't,” he said, so quickly. “It's you and me, forever.”

Rey closed her eyes against her tears as Ben peeled himself off of her, slipping the condom off of himself.

He fiddled with his phone.

“I'm setting it for 4:00am. It's just a few hours from now but we can rest for a bit, and we’ll be gone before anyone wakes up, before CPS can get you.”

Rey nodded, numb and so, so sad.

Ben curled back up against her, pulling her body closer to his.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he said again.

“I know,” Rey whispered.

Ben's breathing evened out after just a few minutes. Rey lay in silence, trying to get her heart to slow.

She knew what she had to do. She knew that her life was always going to be this, the chaos and the uncertainty leading nowhere good. But Ben, Ben had dreams. He was so smart, he had options. He was gonna go to a fancy east coast school. Rey did love him more than anything, she loved him enough to not be selfish. To not let him throw away his entire life for her. If he ran away it would be chaos, Leia wouldn't stop until she found them, it would mess up his schooling, his SAT tests, his grades. She didn't know if she would ever be allowed to come back. She couldn't do this to him. Ben had a way out. She wasn't going to take it away from him.

Once she was sure he was asleep she turned off the alarm, 4:00 came and went. At 6:00 she quietly got dressed, slipped on her shoes, and climbed out of The Treehouse. She went to the front of Leia’s house and waited.

At 7:00 sharp, CPS showed up. Her caseworker was a young, bright eyed women and Rey climbed in her car without a word.

They drove away from Cedar Grove.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter I've been waiting to write and I really hope you like it. Please comment if you're enjoying the story. I love you guys.


	6. Meet the Gleasons

**December 2016**

Rey hadn't eaten in two days. She could have taken pizza home from Nino’s but she had no appetite. All she could think about was Ben. Ben was dating Jess. He was kissing Jess, doing god knows what else.

Rey knew that objectively this was good. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? She wanted Ben to move on, everything she had done in the last year had been part of a plan to get him to stop loving her and now that he had, now that he had clearly moved on, Rey was miserable.

She deserved it. She had always known it was coming; it was like she had reached her perverse goal, something she had put all this effort into, only to realize that succeeding meant more suffering.

There was relief, too, but it was tangled with the new knowledge that she would always feel this sick pain, would always know that she was the reason she was unhappy.

What else was fucking new.

Jess was good for Ben; she played music and sang and she liked all the dorky shit that he was into and she was kind, and soft, and beautiful. At least he was with someone who deserved him.

She thought about Hux and felt her mouth sour.

She hadn't been able to give Ben the same sense of peace.

Ben was eating with Jess now. They weren't all over each other in the cafeteria but they sat _close_ , and they _whispered_ , and her hand rested on his knee and she made him _laugh_.

It was almost worse. He looked… happy.

She felt Hux put his arm around and her pull her closer, his wet mouth finding her chin as she angled her head.

“What's your problem, Johnson?” he snapped.

“Nothing-- sorry, I just don't feel well. I don't wanna get you sick.”

Hux shrugged, letting go of her. Rey's eyes immediately dragged back to Ben and Jess.

Ben didn't even look at her.

  
Rey worked at Nino’s that night. She had been lying to Hux when she said she was sick, but it wasn't far off from the truth. She couldn't eat, the smell of food was fucking nauseating.

Nino’s was the only pizza place in town, which meant they were always absolutely slammed. They managed to walk that fine line between being family friendly and one of the only restaurants with a full bar. Rey was used to the full spectrum of hell. Drunk old dudes grabbing her ass as she walked by, teenagers making out in corner booths while only ordering soda and not tipping, gross children making a mess of every table while their checked-out parents let them.

Tonight, she had no patience for the families with little kids, smiling at her with sauce covered faces. She couldn't understand what anyone had to smile about. Every step she took was like pushing lead, every breath made her chest tight. It was too bright, too loud, the smell of grease and old beer a permanent installation in the air she was forced to suck in and Rey only realized she was going to be sick a minute before it happened.

She ran out of Nino’s, crouching behind the dumpster in the back and threw up diet coke and bile.

Rey felt her eyes water and she shut them tightly but the tears came anyway.

“Hey kid,” a voice came from the doorway. Rey's eyes tracked up to the form of Charles, the owner of Nino’s. He was bald, in his mid fifties and forty pounds overweight. He looked perpetually grumpy, but he had hired Rey when she was only 14 and let her come back without a fuss after foster care. “You look like shit,” he said. “Go home, take tomorrow off too.”

He was eyeing her suspiciously and Rey prickled defensively. She knew the look, people were always looking at her like that, looking for traces of her mother in her eyes, her behavior. She knew he was wondering if she was strung out too.

She opened her mouth to argue but Charles was gone, and it was just Rey, kneeling in the dirt the eerie light of the street lamp.

  
Rey got on her bike and headed home. It was bitter cold, but blessedly not icy. Her blood rushed through her body as she biked, and her mind slowed. The wind against her face helped her snap out of it, kept her rooted in this plane of reality.

She had to pull it together. She couldn't keep doing this. She had opened the Ben Door and now it was all she could think about. This was why she had locked these things away in the first place. It had been the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life.

When Rey was gone, at first, all she could do was regret leaving. If she could have, that first week, she would have begged Ben to come and steal her away.

As it was, she had no way to contact Ben, not at first. By the time she was back in school and near a library, she had resolved herself.

She wasn't sure if she would get back home before her 18th birthday, but she knew without a doubt that whenever if she did get back, that would be it. She would rot away in Cedar Grove or she would die. There was no out for a girl like Rey.

She didn't regret her decision.

Rey braced against the sting of the wind, so cold it felt hot.

She knew that this was the only real gift she could give Ben. Ben deserved better. It was a fact. It was the truth. It was the rope that Rey hung on above a dark abyss; it was the rope around her neck. From the moment she had shut Ben out, after she got back, she was on her deathbed. Whatever dark thing she had done, she knew it had killed her, crushed something deep and vital inside of her heart.

But she had set Ben Solo free. That was all that mattered.

**August 2015**

Rey’s social worker was named Julianna and she was cheery. She kept telling Rey “I know this is really hard for you,” and “everything is going to be fine, you're going with a really nice family.”

All that Rey could think about in the car ride away from Cedar Grove was the gentle ache between her legs. She pictured Ben waking up with the sun, stretching one long arm over to her, seeking her warmth only to realize that she was gone.

She could only imagine the look of betrayal that would flit across his face. She blinked back tears.

“The Gleasons are a good family,” Julianna said as she drove further away.

When they pulled up to the house Rey was admittedly impressed. It looked like a postcard for suburbia. There was even a picket fence.

The Gleason family included Mr. and Mrs. Gleason, their son Tommy, who was also sixteen, and their daughter June who was thirteen.

They were all blonde and tan and their teeth were straight and white. They had pictures of Jesus in the living room. The house was spotless.

“We’re so happy you're joining our family, Rey.” Mr. Gleason said, arm around his wife.

“Thanks for having me,” Rey said, numb. It was all so surreal. She wasn't sure what she had expected. Other foster kids, for one, something a little less immaculate, a little more run down. This seemed almost too nice for her, in some strange way. She just wanted to go home. Everything in her body was telling her this was a mistake, this wasn't where she was supposed to be.

Julianna talked to her new foster parents for a few minutes before giving Rey an awkward hug and leaving.

“Well!” Mrs. Gleason said. “Time for some ground rules. First of all, give me your phone.”

Rey blinked, but handed her cell phone over.

“You can earn this back if you behave. I think you will find that as long as you're a good girl, life here will be easy, but until you can prove it, you have no rights in this house.”

Rey didn't understand what she was being told.

“We have taken you into our home,” Mr. Gleason said, “and so you will repay us and earn your keep. You will be responsible for the upkeep of this house. You will cook for us, clean up, and do whatever we ask of you. In exchange we will allow you to live here, and feed you. Follow me.”

He led her upstairs. Her bedroom was bare. Literally bare, no bed, no dresser. There was a pile of blankets on the floor.

“Is this where I sleep?” Rey asked, her voice small.

“Yep!” Tommy said, smiling wide. “Until you can prove your worth. We've seen girls like you, little crack babies who grew up into crack sluts. Probably already trying to steal from us, don't even try it.” He winked.

Rey was suddenly dizzy. She needed to call Ben, she needed to get out--

“Good girls earn their keep,” June said, smiling too. “If you want dinner, you can start by organizing everything in my room. It's a mess! And if ANYTHING is missing, I'll tell daddy.”

“Right, honey,” Mr. Gleason said.

“And if you run away, we’ll tell your sweet little social worker that you took off with my diamonds,” Mrs. Gleason said, looking sad. “We don't want you to end up in jail, sweetie.”

Rey couldn't speak, couldn't even think, she was so horrified. She bolted, she ran for the front of the house, screaming out after Julianna, who she knew must be long gone by now. She didn't care, she screamed.

She was blocked at the front door, thick arms circling around her. Mr. Gleason had her, she couldn't move.

“I don't think so, you entitled little brat!” He threw her bodily against the wall. Rey slumped down.

“Just for that, no dinner tonight. You'll clean June’s room and go to bed. All the doors have alarms so don't even think about sneaking out. This is your life now, deal with it.”

He was-- he was smiling. Rey felt tears streaming down her face, thought of Ben, of how she could have run away with him. How they could be halfway across the state by now. Her breath wouldn't come. She sunk to the floor and wept.

At one point Tommy stepped over her, and eventually she closed herself off in her room.

When her hunger was too raw to ignore, she began to clean.

  
**February 2016**

Rey did get to go home before she turned eighteen. She got to go home after only six months in the system. When her social worker had called to tell her foster parents that she would be leaving, she expected everything to get worse. It was weird when it got better instead.

The last two weeks stayed with the Gleasons, she had been allowed to eat with them at the table. She had been given an air mattress. She was allowed to use the bathroom whenever she wanted. They even gave her back her phone. She didn't turn it on, didn't think she could handle the messages from Ben. She would trade it in when she got back.

She didn't know what to make of it, was too nervous to ask or argue.

Right before she left, her foster mother pulled her into a hug. Rey's body went tense with fear.

“You know no one will believe anything you tell them, right sweetheart?” the woman whispered. “You're a little crack baby, girls like you-- no one listens.”

Then she patted her shoulder and Rey never saw her again.

 

Rey had been mentally preparing herself for seeing Ben for weeks. She had practiced cold indifference in the mirror. Had lines locked and loaded.

She hoped that he was still mad at her, that her initial betrayal and disappearance was enough to sour him to her. She knew it was too much to ask for that he would hate her, but oh how easy that would be. Rey could just stay out of his way and allow Ben to hate her, she could handle looks of disgust and contempt, it would remind her of what she had done and what she deserved.

She would not be so lucky.

 

Sarah looked good, clean, but Rey had seen her mother clean before. She hoped this would be a longer run.

“Everything is going to be better now angel,” Sarah said, touching her face. No one had touched Rey in months. She so desperately wanted to believe her mother, to believe that things could stay like this. But more than keeping her mother clean forever, she just had to keep her clean until her 18th birthday.

Rey would die before she let anyone take her again. She would throw herself into the quarry on the other side of town. She had it all planned out.

But for now, Sarah was bright eyed and smiling.

Rey was safe. She was home. It felt so insubstantial, like at any moment everything was going to be ripped away from her. Like she would open her eyes and be back on the floor at the Gleason’s.

Sarah went off to make dinner (Rey couldn't remember the last time her mom had cooked) and Rey, shell shocked and exhausted, not hungry in the slightest, headed to her room to sleep for a year. She knew she would have to deal with Ben at some point, but she wasn't ready yet.

She was so, so numb.

The doorbell rang as she was passing the door, and she knew it was Ben, knew that she knew she had to open it. She couldn't not open it. She froze, breath catching in her throat.

She opened the door.

Ben was bigger, a little broader maybe? But really he just looked… older. Like he had done nothing but worry for six months. Rey's heart squeezed.

He was so, so beautiful.

“Rey,” he breathed, taking a step toward her. Something in her eyes must have flashed because he stopped.

“Oh, hey-- look, we need to talk. Can you meet me out back in a few minutes?” she asked.

Ben looked wild, he was barely contained within his skin, as if he wanted to explode and engulf her.

“Sure, at the Treehouse?”

“No. Just the yard. This won't take long.”

Ben's face, all hard angles and soft lips, paled. He stepped back.

“Y-yeah. Okay.”

  
Rey took a minute, getting her coat and zipping it slowly. She couldn't lose her nerve now.

She closed her eyes, thought of sleeping on just a blanket, thought of her mother in a puddle of vomit, thought of eating scraps from a plate on the floor, thought about eye contact, and how it was a privilege more than a guarantee.

She thought of Ben. He was the sun.

  
She found him in the yard.

  
“Rey,” he sounded frantic, his voice too high, “what is going on? Why didn't you answer me on Facebook, or anything? You just went dark. Do you have any idea how worried I was?” His eyes were brandy-bright and dangerous in the winter sun, his hand was on her face before she could think and she wondered if he was going to try to and kiss her, but he seemed to just be-- checking her. Making sure she was solid in front of him. She moved back.

“I'm fine, Ben, but I've had a lot of time to think. You know, about everything, and I-- what happened before I left… it was a mistake”

Ben looked like he'd been shot. He staggered.

“What are you talking about?” He asked, desperate. “Rey, I _love_ you, that's not a mistake.”

She could do this. She could do this.

“I realized you and I are just-- different. I mean--” she steels herself, aims low, aims to hurt. “I mean don't you think I'm a little out of your league? Like, it was fun when we were kids or whatever and I'm glad you were my first, but I don't want to do that again. I don't see you like that, I never will.”

He doesn't believe her, she can tell.

“Why are you doing this? What happened, Rey tell me-- whatever this is, I will help you, you're not alone.”

“It's nothing like that, please, Ben. Respect what I'm saying. Whatever this was, it's over. I'm sorry, I am, I didn't mean to-- to lead you on.”

“To lead me on?” Ben’s voice cracked. Rey looked at his face, which she had been avoiding, and found him crying. Real, thick tears. “Please, Rey, talk to me. Just-- whatever you're thinking--”

“Ben,” she took a deep breath, looked him dead in the eyes. “I think it's better if we just-- if we just don't talk anymore.”

Ben’s face broke, and she knew that he heard her, that she had wormed her way inside and rotted something beautiful. She felt part of herself snap and become crushed under the weight of his gaze.

“Okay,” he said, and he sniffed, wiping his nose on his coat sleeve. He turned around and headed back to his house.

  
Rey walked inside. She could feel the avalanche of emotions just off screen, pushing in on her.

Ben, her Ben, he was here, he loved her, he wanted her. She could go to him, she could fall into his arms and beg him to stay with her forever and he would. She knew he would.

Rey took all of her love for Ben, every memory of them as kids in a sandbox, of ben letting her fly his RC plane, teaching her how to make bottle rockets, sharing his Halloween candy. Ben's body pressed up against hers, his mouth on her skin, his eyes, so full of love. He loves her, he still loved her.

She put it all away. She pictured doors, hundreds of doors, red and bright blue, covered in ivy. Heavy wooden doors, glass doors, steel doors. She slammed them all shut.

That night she dreamt that she and Ben were floating in the air, naked, bathed in golden light. There were hundreds of red threads between them, and Rey realized they were sewn together, these threads rooted deep beneath her tender skin.

She had to pull them apart with her hands. Some were easier to snap, some just fell away, but so many of them were thick and full of blood and she had to chew them to sever them and Ben screamed, begged her not to. Every thread she cut, she felt her connection to him weaken, felt her heart harden.

She couldn't cut them all though, one or two of them she knew were too vital. If she cut those, they would both die.

Ben screamed and screamed while Rey spit blood.

When Rey woke up the next morning, she felt nothing. She dressed for school and didn't speak to Ben at all.

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter took way too long. I promise there won't be a wait like that again, life got crazy! Thank you all so much for your support. If you liked it, please let me know.


	7. Like Half a Bottle of Champagne, Max

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @black_lodge aka rad-braybury is a hero for being my beta. Any remaining mistakes are my own.

**December 2016**

 

Rey didn't like Christmas. When she was little, there was usually a tree, but that stopped by the time she was about 13. Rey had bought one herself the Christmas before she was sent away, but she couldn’t imagine doing it again now. Last Christmas she had been locked away at the Gleason’s.

 

For someone who didn't care about Christmas, she sure had flipped out last year. Laying in the dark on the floor of her chilly room on Christmas Eve, she had broken down in tears. It was the closest she had ever come to breaking and calling Ben. She debated picking the lock on her door, sneaking downstairs and using the phone, but she was too scared, and she hated herself for that.

 

Things had been weird with Ben all week; she had hardly seen him except at school. She had been out in the Treehouse almost every night, but Ben hadn’t shown up. She assumed that he was spending time with Jess. Or just avoiding talking to her about Jess.

 

She was sure it was Jess-centric, whatever the reason was.

 

It was Christmas Eve and it was cold and dry. The air was still, _silent_. There was no breeze; the grass didn’t move.

 

Rey felt sticks and ice crunch under her feet as she trudged out to the Treehouse.

 

She powered up the little heater and the lights and put on Sufjan Stevens Christmas album. His plucky version of “Amazing Grace” filled the small and glowing space.

 

Rey lit a cigarette. Ben hated when she smoked cigarettes in the Treehouse but he wasn't there, hadn't been in days, might _never_ come back.

 

She let the music carry her away as she took drag after drag of her cigarette. She remembered how thinking about Ben had been her anchor on cold nights. The idea that he was out there somewhere, that he was happy.

 

Now he was, and she fucking hated it.

 

Jealousy was a disgusting and constant companion.

 

“I can’t stand it when you smoke in here,” Ben said from the doorway. Rey jumped.

 

“Holy shit, Solo, you scared me,” she said, heart rate spiking from adrenaline and from being close to Ben.

 

“Sorry,” he said, coming inside. He sat down next to her. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

 

“I just wasn't expecting you,” she said, casually as she could.

 

“Yeah, I've been busy.”

 

“With _Jess_ \--” she said.

 

Ben looked at her, eyes narrowing, and he nodded.

 

“She busy tonight?”

 

“She's gone for two weeks, for winter break. Her family is in Vermont.”

 

Rey nodded, an odd relief surging through her. She just wanted these last few months, just until graduation, and then she would let him go forever.

 

If it was just a few days, mere weeks, she would take it, drink it up desperately.

 

Being away from him was painful.

 

Sometimes she thought maybe this was what her mother felt. She was only calm with Ben, every minute she spent away from him she was just thinking about how to get back to him or how to protect him or how to hurt him, all in equal measures, miserable no matter what.

  


Rey closed her eyes and let her muscles relax, taking in the sensation of Ben being near her the same way she would sink into warm bath water.

 

She kept smoking her cigarette until it burned down to the filter, and then put it out.

 

They sat in silence for a while.

 

“I think my mom will be dead before I'm eighteen,” Rey said, breaking the quiet spell.

 

She wasn't sure _why_ she said it. It was the most morbid end of her anxieties.

 

“Did something happen?” Ben asked, and his gaze was sharp, body angling toward her instinctively.

 

Rey shook her head slowly.

 

“No, but it's never been this bad.” She turned fully toward Ben. She was irrationally angry with him, even though he had done nothing wrong, and the moon was full and there was no wind _at all_ , no sound except Sufjan Stevens and Ben's breathing.

 

“If they try to take me away,” Rey said slowly, locking eyes with Ben. “I'll kill myself. They won't take me again, I mean it Ben. I promise--” she was so calm. Why was she so calm? Ben's face went white and he moved toward her.

 

“Rey! Stop it, Jesus fuck, _don't_ say that,” Ben said, his voice an octave too high. He ran his fingers through his hair, and he was breathing too fast.

 

Irrationally, Rey wanted Ben to ask her to leave with him again.

 

Right now, right here, on this still, _still_ night, she would have gone.

 

She would have let him take her away.

 

Ben didn't offer, Rey knew he wouldn't. But he touched her face and he looked so, _so_ sad.

 

He looked at her like she was already gone.

 

“I uh-- I gotta go to bed,” Rey said, forcing a smile onto her face.

 

“Wait, Rey. Promise me, please _promise_ me you won't--” he swallowed.

 

“ _What_?” she said.

 

She wanted him to say it. _Promise me you won't kill yourself._

 

“Promise me you won't leave me like that,” he said.

 

Rey just blinked at him.

 

Ben was looking at her with such intensity, she nearly broke and promised.

 

Nearly.

 

She didn't say anything though, just stood to leave.

 

Ben stood with her, following her out and into the darkness.

 

They walked quietly.

 

“I uh-- I got you a Christmas present,” he said, breaking the tension.

 

She glanced sideways at him.

 

“You don't celebrate Christmas.”

 

Ben huffed out a little laugh and pulled a small wrapped gift from his coat.

 

“What is it?” she asked.

 

“Music.”

 

“What kind of music.”

 

“My music,” Ben said, and he was watching her face, Rey could feel him deliberating, as if unsure if he should elaborate. “Music I wrote while you were gone. Mostly instrumental. I just-- just wanted you to hear it.”

 

Rey's heart cracked, impossibly, deeper.

 

“Oh,” she said. “I'm an ass. I didn't bring yours, I didn't think you would show up-- I just haven't seen--”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Ben said, and Rey knew that Ben knew that Rey didn't have a present for him.

 

“I'll see you tomorrow?” Ben said as they reached the driveway between their houses.

 

“Sure,” Rey said, shrugging. She turned to leave but Ben's fingers were suddenly around her wrist, not pulling, _so_ gentle, so light. Still, the mere touch froze her.

 

“Rey,” he said, and his face was broken, he didn't need to say it, his words from the Treehouse were still echoing in her mind.

 

_Please don't leave me._

 

“I'll see you tomorrow,” Rey said, and pulled away from Ben to walk inside.

  
  


**November 2014**

 

Han left.

 

He had never been particularly good at goodbyes, but he didn't say anything at all to Rey. She wasn't his kid, not even a little bit, but he was the only father she had ever known and one day he was just gone.

 

Her pain had been nothing compared to Ben's.

 

He was a mess, Rey found him in the Treehouse in the early morning, crying and punching the wooden walls.

 

She had screamed at him to stop, tears falling from her face as she hurried to position herself between Ben and the wall.

 

As soon as her hands were on him, he slumped forward, falling into her, holding her hoodie in his balled fists.

 

His knuckles were bloody and Rey, shaking, had gotten the first aid kit off the shelf.

 

She let fat, silent tears run down her face as she pulled Ben into her lap on the floor.

 

He was bigger than her already, but his legs and arms were still so thin and his hands looks too big for his wrists as he melted against her, hiccuping. She used tweezers to pull more than thirty splinters from his fingers, once they stopped shaking.

 

“He didn't say goodbye to me either,” Ben said, as if reading Rey’s mind.

 

It only made her feel so, so much worse.

  


**March 2016**

 

Rey had been back in Cedar Grove for a full month. She hadn't seen Ben except at school, but it meant she hadn't been able to go to the Treehouse at all.

 

While it had always been theirs, it seemed clear to Rey that she had no real claim to it now. It had been built by Han Solo for his son.

 

Rey skipped school. It was finally warm. She made sandwiches and brought a backpack full of books and drawing supplies out with her when she was sure that Ben couldn't interfere. He would be in class, like he always was.

 

She spent the day smoking and drawing pictures; nightmare versions of fish with eight eyes and lean horses with sharp teeth and worms with hooked claws. She listened to nearly every CD and cassette they owned. She smoked a gram of weed.

 

It was warm in The Treehouse and she felt so, _so_ at home for the first time in longer than she knew what to do with.

 

She felt _safe_.

 

She curled up for a mid afternoon nap and woke sometime later to the sound of footsteps.

 

She bolted up as Ben walked in.

 

“Oh, shit, sorry, I'll go--” Rey said hastily, rubbing her eyes.

 

“No, you're fine, I uh-- do you wanna smoke?”

 

Rey had smoked enough weed but she wasn't going to deny Ben anything, not here, not now, so she nodded and he came to sit across from her on the old mattress.

 

She took the bowl from him quietly.

 

“I won't come here anymore,” she said on her exhale. “Not if you don't want me to-- I know this place is--”

 

She wanted to say _yours_ but it felt so false.

 

 _Theirs_ . It was _theirs_.

 

“It's as much yours as mine,” Ben said shrugging.

 

“Have you seen him at all?” Rey asked.

 

 _Han_.

 

“He took me out for my birthday while you were gone. Other than that, no. He doesn't come here anymore. Can't be bothered to.”

 

Rey felt a surge of anger bubble up inside of her at the thought of Han hurting Ben like this.

 

Then she remembered how much she she was hurting Ben, too.

 

“I gotta get to work,” Rey said, jumping up. She was off today but she had to get out. Now.

 

“Sure, uh-- see you around?” Ben asked. He was so nervous. She could hear the subtext.

 

_Are we really not going to talk forever? Do you really not want to see me?_

 

So, so nervous. So, so hopeful.

 

“Yeah I mean, we can smoke before bed if you want,” Rey said, and his eyes brightened.

 

Fuck.

 

“Just uh, don't talk to me at school, you know?”

 

Ben's face fell, lips parting but he just nodded and said “okay.”

  


**December 2016**

 

Rey was drunk.

 

She was at a house party, and it was New Years Eve.

 

Rey hated New Year's Eve as much as she hated Christmas, but for very different reasons.

 

New Years Eve made people insane. Everyone was drunker, louder, _meaner_. Their expectations for the night were intensified, their desire to wrap up certain, useless things before the new year was overwhelming.

 

Rey took a pull from the cheap bottle of champagne she was carrying around.

 

It was cold, but kids had spilled out of Billy Cardoni’s house and onto the frozen grass of the backyard and there was music blasting. Kids were gathered around the barbecue for warmth.

 

Rey didn't drink that often and she didn't drink hard liquor at all. She figured weed was pretty harmless, but other drugs and booze always made her wary. She was nearly done with the bottle, though.

 

Suddenly arms came up to wrap around her from behind.

 

“What the shit?” she yelled, turning to see Hux, grinning like a wolf.

 

“Hux put me down, get off me, Jesus,” she said.

 

Hux didn't let go, just twisted so he could kiss her, hard and punishing.

 

Rey pushed him off and stumbled backward.

 

“Fucking _gross_!”

 

Hux’s eyes flashed and he suddenly looked dangerous. Rey took a shaky breath.

 

“You know what Johnson, fuck you. I don't care how cute your tits are, you’re a frigid bitch who won't put out.”

 

Rey was spinning, she wa so angry, too loose.

 

“Ha! Just ‘cause I don't wanna fuck _you,”_ Rey spat, “doesn't mean I don't wanna fuck anyone.”

 

They had gathered a little crowd.

 

“You better watch it,” Hux said, voice low.

 

“Or what? You'll beat the shit out of me? You gonna hit a girl, Huxy? Hey guys! If I show up with a black eye, guess which quarterback is responsible!”

 

Rey was screaming now.

 

Hux surged closer to her and grabbed her, pulling her close enough to whisper.

 

“Trust me bitch, no one will see the marks.”

 

And he turned from her and walked back into the house.

 

Fuck. Fuck. That was stupid. Rey was so stupid. It was only 10:45. She needed to get out of here. Now.

 

Rey

can u come get me ill give you gas money

 

Ben

are you okay?

 

Rey

no. idk. i broke up w hux and made a scene i just gotta get out hux is drunk and he gets idk… handsy

 

Ben

you’re at billy’s right? im on my way

 

Rey

yes

 

Rey

thank u thank u <3

  


Rey pulled her hat tighter and left the yard through the side, not daring to go into the house. She waited for Ben down the block.

 

He pulled up a few minutes later and his car was blessedly warm and it smelled like smoke and Ben and she let it wash over her, calm again.

 

“Thank you, Ben, I'm so sorry, I know you probably had your own plans.”

 

Ben just shook his head.

 

“What happened?” he asked.

 

Rey sighed.

 

“Hux is the worst. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was a bitch and embarrassed him and he tried to do same to me.”

 

Rey laughed, and it was hard to stop now that she started. Ben was unreadable. Totally apathetic.

 

“He threatened me,” Rey said, and she wasn't laughing anymore.

 

Ben's hands were white on the steering wheel. “Rey I swear, I will fucking kill him,” he growled.

 

Rey looked over at him, surprised. “It's Hux, Ben, he's not going to do shit. He's a little bitch. Plus I screamed for everyone to hear that if I showed up bruised they would know who did it. He's not gonna touch me.”

 

She didn't mention Hux’s other threat.

 

They pulled into the driveway. Rey looked at her dark house and desperately didn't want to go inside.

 

“Wanna watch the ball drop?” Ben asked.

 

“Yes,” she said without pausing to think, and she followed Ben into his house instead.

 

It was warm and light and smelled like pizza.

 

“You hungry? I made food,” Ben said, disappearing into the kitchen.

 

“Always,” Rey called out.

 

She shed her coat and gloves and hat, looking at her reflection in the hall mirror.

 

She looked plain, light brown hair a little too long now and dark eyeliner smudged. At least she had been blessed with straight teeth.

 

Ben came back with plates and pizza and soda.

 

“God, you’re the best,” Rey said, sitting down on the couch.

 

Ben eyed her skeptically, sliding next to her. “Are you actually drunk?” he asked, but he was smiling.

 

“Barely,” Rey said, digging in to her pizza.

 

They watched Ryan Seacrest in Times Square.

 

“I miss Dick Clark,” Rey said with a sigh.

 

“You literally couldn't understand Dick Clark,” Ben said.

 

“That's what made it great,” Rey said, shrugging.

 

Ben laughed. “Oh, you're the worst.”

 

Rey smiled.

 

“Did you make a resolution?” Rey asked.

 

“Nah,” Ben said, and it was a lie.

 

She was surprised by how  quickly she knew it was a lie. She wasn't sure what kind of resolution Ben Solo would make and keep secret, she desperately wanted to know.

 

It was quiet between them. She tried not to _look_ at Ben too much because _looking_ quickly became _staring_ or _getting lost in whiskey-colored eyes._

 

But she was watching him now.

 

He was so much bigger than her, his chest had broadened and his thin arms were corded with wiry muscle. His hair was growing out, a head of curls falling over his ears and into his eyes.

 

God she wanted to touch his ears. Rey looked away.

 

“This is it, folks!” Ryan yelled from the television, “the final countdown, thirty seconds on the clock and we are so ready for twenty seventeen!”

 

Rey's heart was suddenly too loud, too heavy. The fucking countdown. _Why didn't she think about this before?_

 

“Fifteen! Fourteen!”

 

She was gonna kiss Ben. It was just a New Years kiss. It would be _so_ fine, right?

 

“Eight, seven, six!”

 

Rey looked at Ben.

 

Ben was already looking at her.

 

“Four! Three!”

 

Rey moved before Ryan said two, closing the distance between them.

 

Ben kissed her back immediately. His hands moved to find her, one on her cheek, one on her back.

 

She angled toward him, crawling closer until she was in his lap, straddling him. His hands were on her hips and she arched into him.

 

 _Ben_ , Ben's mouth, his lips against hers, his little gasping breaths and his fingers and his _hair_.

 

Rey ran her fingers through his hair, traced the shell of his ear. She moved her mouth down to his jaw, then his neck.

 

She wanted to mark him. She didn't.

 

“Ben,” she whispered, “can I stay here with you tonight?”

 

Ben pulled back from her, blinking, he looked pensive. Was he about to tell her no? She panicked.

 

“It doesn't have to be serious, you know? We can just have sex--”

 

“No.”

 

No? Did he seriously just--

 

“No?” she repeated.

 

“No Rey, I don't want to do this-- I don't want you like this--”

 

“I'm not even drunk, Ben,” she said.

 

“I know,” he said.

 

His words hit her like a kick to the gut. She scrambled off of him.

 

“Okay,” she said. “No, that's fine, honestly, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm sorry, I'm just-- I have to go.”

 

She expected Ben to argue, to tell her to wait, to call her back, but he didn't. He just sat there as she walked away.

  


Rey laid in bed for hours. She couldn't sleep. Ben's words echoed in her head.

 

Was it that he didn't want her at all? Was it that he was with Jess? Was it because of what she said about it being just sex? She didn't know, but she ached with missing him.

 

Having a small taste of Ben was torture, it wasn't enough. Rey was starting to panic.

 

She knew what she had to do. She had to just tell Ben, tell him that she loved him, if he really was over her then it wouldn't matter and if he wasn't well, she had tried, right? And he would understand. And she could stop punishing them both.

 

She had to do it. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would tell Ben the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chooo-choooo! I am back on a semi-regular publishing schedule! I will have a better idea of exactly when I will be posting, but it should be between once or twice a week. If you guy liked this please let me know!! Thank you guy all for reading.


	8. Fate and Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some potentially triggering stuff in this chapter, if you're concerned jump to the end notes and I will tell you what to expect. 
> 
> Big thanks to @black_lodge for the beta!
> 
> HUGE THANK to @asongforjonsa for the moodboard!

 

 

**January 2017**

Rey was nervous. Really nervous, but also resolved. She was done with lying, she was done with hurting. She had been so sure of this plan, this idea that what she was doing was protecting Ben.

She had dug a hole she wasn't sure she could get out of. She wasn't sure Ben still felt that way about her-- in fact she thought it was unlikely that he did after he had physically pushed her away-- but he deserved to know at least, didn't he?

If he really did love Jess, if he _really_ was over Rey, and god she couldn't blame him if he was, she could at least explain herself. She could at least tell him why she left, and what happened while she was gone and-- and why she had been so horrible.

She could let him make the choice now: her or Jess.

She couldn't eat. She had picked up extra shifts for winter break and the smell of food was nauseating.

The minutes caught and dragged, slower than they usually were.

Finally, finally, Rey clocked out. She rode fast through the bitter January wind. Ben. She was gonna talk to Ben. This was all gonna be over, one way or another.

Maybe he could help her, maybe with his help they could get her mom into treatment. She tried not to think about it too much, the idea of her mom getting help. Maybe Rey could even bring her grades up, apply to community college here. Maybe they could make something work long distance, if they both wanted it enough.

If Sarah got better, Rey could go further away. She could even go to community college near Ben.

If she didn't have to do all of this alone, maybe they could figure it out.

Rey threw her bike down outside her house and made a beeline for Ben’s. His car was there, the light was on in the kitchen.

“Ben?” she called out, letting herself in.

He was standing in front of the sink. Looking out of the window. He turned to look at her and Rey's words died in her throat.

“Hey-- sorry I didn't call, I just-- I thought we could talk.”

Ben looked wild. He was in a plain white tee shirt and black jeans, dark circles under his eyes.

“Oh you wanna _talk_?” he said, and his tone was dark.

“Ben?” Rey asked, suddenly nervous for an entirely different reason.

“No, this is good. We need to talk. I have a lot to say.”

Rey felt her heart drop. She blinked at Ben.

“Am I joke to you, Rey?” He was so tense, body tight and nearly shaking. She had never seen him this angry with her.

“What? What do you--”

“I mean it. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Do you just want to fuck with me? Do you want me to hate you?”

Rey swallowed.

_Not anymore._

_“_ No-- I--”

“Because let me tell you, it’s working.” Ben laughed humorlessly. “You know... I really did love you, and I tried to-- to fix this, to be there for you-- and you've been just--” Ben cut off, closing his eyes, “just awful.”

Rey staggered backwards.

“Wait, listen, Ben--”

He stalked toward her and the energy rolling off of him was palpable and dark.

Rey stepped back further, words dying on her tongue.

“No, you listen!” he snapped. “For once Rey, you fucking listen! _You deal with some of my bullshit for_ _once_.”

His voice rose to a scream at the end, and Rey didn’t have time to reflect on the fact that she’d never heard him raise his voice at her before, because suddenly he grabbed a plate from the drying rack and threw it on the floor.

The sound of it shattering was infinite, echoing in the small, warmly lit kitchen.

Rey jumped back, eyes wild. She had seen Ben angry, angry enough to break things, angry enough to put his fist through a wall, but it had never been directed at her before.

Ben looked at the plate, confusion on his face, as if he wasn't sure how it had gotten there. He took a deep breath, and when he spoke again his words were icy and calm. It was almost worse.

“You wanna know what my resolution was?” he asked.

She didn't want to know.

“I told myself I was gonna just let you go, let you pull away fully, not come when you cried because Rey-- this has been _hell_ for me, and I'm finally, finally moving on and you just-- it's like you want me to miserable. Why? What the fuck did I do to you?”

He wasn't saying anything that wasn't true.

“I'm _happy_ with Jess. I'm leaving soon, I'm getting out of here and this,” he gestured between them, “this has to stop.”

Rey closed her eyes.

 _This is what you wanted_ , a voice in her head said. _Let him go._

Rey took a step back, careful not to crush the glass on the floor.

“Okay,” she said, and she smiled, a real smile, because okay. This was okay too. She deserved this. “I'm so sorry, Ben. You're right, I'm-- I’m gonna go. You don't have to see me anymore-- you can-- you can have the Treehouse.”

“I don't _want_ it,” Ben spat the words out like they were poison. He laughed, and the sound was cruel. “It just reminds me of the two people I loved the most, the ones who let me down, and you know what Rey-- somehow _this_ was worse than my dad leaving. Somehow what you did cut deeper. So I don't want any of this, not anymore. I'm done, Rey. Do you hear me?”

Rey was gonna be sick.

“Yes,” she said, backing up further, desperate for air, for anything that wasn't this kitchen, that wasn't Ben’s dark eyes flashing or the harsh set of his jaw. “I hear you.”

She turned around and she left.

 

**June 2011**

Rey spent most of her time during the summer alone. Ben went to camp where he got to do things like hiking and swimming and shoot bows and arrows.

Rey had never been to camp. She was so jealous it made her teeth hurt. She would wait, cleaning the house or riding her bike down by the quarry or drawing all day until Ben got home, and then she would rush over to his house to have dinner and watch movies.

They were in the basement watching Austin Powers and it was so, so hot, Rey had pulled off her sweater. When she looked over at Ben, she found him staring at her, face scrunched up.

“What?” she asked, following his eyes to her arm. She paled. He was staring at a bruise on her arm. Her mom had grabbed her, hard, hard enough to slam Rey back into a wall; but she hadn't done it on purpose-- Rey was in the way and it wasn't as bad as it looked.

“I fell,” Rey said.

“Don't lie to me,” Ben said.

Rey swallowed.

“She didn't mean to do it, I promise, Ben, it's not--”

“I hate her.”

Rey's stomach flipped. Ben couldn't understand, he had no idea. Maybe she should hate her mom. Hate her for never having enough food or for not being able to send Rey to camp or because she got angry, _so_ angry sometimes.

But she couldn't hate her. It was her _mom_. Despite everything, all Rey wanted was to be good enough, to be there enough to keep everything calm and safe. She felt tears sting her eyes.

“You know it's illegal for her to do that to you,” Ben said. “We could ask for help. Tell my mom.”

Rey grabbed Ben, moving onto her knees on the couch so she was as tall as Ben.

“No, Ben, promise me! You don’t know. My mom told me if they think I'm not safe here, they will take me away. I'll have to go live with strangers and you'll never see me again.”

Ben's face paled, his mouth opened, closed.

“Rey… if she's--”

“Do you trust me?”

Ben nodded.

“Then, please Ben, please, don't tell anyone. I don't want them to take me away from you.”

Ben took her hands in his.

“I just want to keep you safe,” he said.

Rey looked at him, eyes begging.

“You're the only real family I have Ben, please don't let them take me.”

“I won't-- I'll never let that happen.”

“Promise?” she asked.

“I promise.”

 

**September 2016**

Rey had managed to avoid Ben for all of summer, except at night. She was working full time at Nino’s, trying to put away money for the coming year and actively not thinking about Ben or about the Gleason’s.

Thoughts of both always managed to slip in, though.

_Ben’s eyes so full of pain and hurt. The way he had turned away from her in the yard._

_Mr. Gleason locking her bedroom door from the outside. They wouldn't let her out, she had to pee so bad she ended up pissing on the floor. She tried to clean it up, but she couldn't hide the smell and she had been punished. Brutally._

_Ben, curled up next to her in the Treehouse._

_The life she almost lived._

She shut all the doors tighter. Let her mind blank out.

She only saw Ben at night. They had fallen into a strange, silent agreement. She would act cold and he would bring her leftovers and they would listen to music and actively _not_ touch.

It was weird, but it was still soft and easy and Rey couldn't quite give it up.

It was just that she could see Ben falling for her, or falling deeper.

It was there in the way he watched her, the way he brought her food, asked her about what happened, tried to open her softly, with caution, with love.

She could see the hope in his eyes and it broke her down further. She needed him to _not_ , she needed him to _not love her._

So she spent a few weeks silently coming up with a plan, and when school started, she enacted it.

Armitage Hux was one of the most popular kids at Cedar Grove High School. He was also _the fucking worst._

He agreed to go out with Rey immediately.

She had gone full on, telling Rose to tell Phasma to tell Hux that she was super down, and within three days they were an item.

She was sitting with him at lunch, letting his hands wander over her thighs and his mouth attack her neck when Ben saw them.

His jaw dropped, his eyes flashed, and then, as quickly as the emotions had come, they were gone.

He didn't come to the Treehouse that night. Not for a while, and Rey thought maybe she had finally done it, she'd figured out how to make Ben Solo hate her.

But after about a week he texted her.

 

Ben

_smoke?_

 

And Rey, she should have just said no, but she was shitty and she missed him and it's not like anything could happen now, she had a _boyfriend_.

 

Rey

_ya sure_

 

And so it was awkward and uncomfortable and Rey did everything she could think of to make Ben hate her while still being selfish enough to spend all the time with him he would allow.

She really was the worst.

And Ben, Ben was always the good bits, the softest parts of her heart, and so she couldn't let him all the way go.

 

**January 2017**

 

When Rey got home she cried. It was a proper cry, the kind that rips itself out of your body and hurts ribs and eyes and lungs. She cried until she felt sick, dry heaving and shaking.

Somehow, this seemed fair. It seemed like divine justice. This was what she had wanted, what she had hoped for all those months ago. That Ben would be stronger, be the one to leave her. She had pushed him to this point and now he couldn't tell her kindness from her lies, her genuine feelings from the chaotic mess of emotions she had been pouring over him.

It was fair. He was with Jess and he was happy, and soon he would graduate and move on and Rey would stay with her mom and try to keep her together and rot away in Cedar Grove.

Nothing had changed.

Rey pulled herself together, she took all of her emotions, so raw and close to the surface, and turned them down. She tucked them away. She closed all the doors.

This was for the best.

Cedar Grove got just over two weeks off for winter break, which meant they still had a full week left off of school.

Rey had work every day, which was good, it kept her mind off of Ben.

She had gone to the library on Monday morning and printed out literature on AA meetings in the area and low cost treatment centers. Maybe if she saved enough she could get her mom in somewhere, really give her a shot.

On Tuesday she was feeling better, all cried out. She wasn't thinking about Ben every second of every day, she had closed herself off from everything that wasn't working, working, working.

She got home and couldn't help looking over at Ben’s. The lights were on. She desperately wanted to go to the Treehouse, but she didn't dare. She was pretty sure Ben wasn't going either, but she couldn't stand to see that look in his eyes again, that deep dark pain that had hardened into hatred.

_He hates you._

_Good._

 

“Mom! I'm home, I brought pasta, you hungry?”

There was no answer. Rey tilted her head, listening. The house was quiet, so quiet.  A sense of dread washed over her.

She was probably sleeping, or passed out. Just because it was quiet didn't mean something bad had happened.

Rey took a deep breath and walked toward Sarah’s room. Her heart was so loud, she could feel it in her throat.

“Mom!” she called out again.  

Nothing.

She opened the bedroom door.

Rey knew immediately that her mother wasn't sleeping. Even if her lips hadn't been blue. Even if there hadn't been a needle in her arm. There was a stillness about her so otherworldly and so final that it left no room for debate.

Rey fell to the floor and screamed.

 

There was an ambulance. There were police. There was paperwork and the fluorescent lights of the station. Rey wasn't comprehending, she wasn't even crying. She couldn't hear anything, it was like she was underwater. Everything was distorted.

The doors to the police station opened and Rey turned her head.

Leia and… Ben.

She looked up at Leia who rushed to her, petting her head with tears in her eyes and whispering _I'm sorry, so sorry_ , and pushing past her to speak with police.

It was just her and Ben, then, and he was looking at her in a way she had never seen, like he was looking at a wild animal he was suddenly alone with.

And just like that, everything was real. It all came crashing down on her in one single moment, her terror, her grief. They were going to take her away again. It didn't matter that it was only for six weeks, they were going to take her and she was losing everything and she would never see Ben again and Ben _hated_ her anyway and _her mom was dead._

“Ben--” she said, and she was sobbing. Ben rushed to her, dropped to his knees in front of her, put his hands on her face. “Don't let them take me!” she screamed. “Ben, you promised! I _won't_ go again, _I won't go again I'll fucking do it, you know I will Ben, I'll end it right now_ _\--don't! Don't let them-- you can't let them_ \--” she broke off, sobbing and fell to the floor where Ben was crouched.

He was whispering.

“No one's gonna take you, sweetheart, I promise. No one is gonna take you ever again. You're coming with us, I promise, Rey, look at me,” he tucked his fingers under chin and tilted her head. “You're not alone, you're not going anywhere, come on. Let me take you home, Rey, come on.”  

Ben led her from the station, he kept talking but she couldn't understand, only got pieces.

“My mom has custody,” and “she did the paperwork after last time,” and “I’m so sorry.”

Rey looked at Ben from the passenger seat of his car, how had she gotten in the car?

_He hates you, why is he doing this?_

“Ben, I’m so sorry--”

“It doesn't matter right now,” he said, so softly, and he pulled away from the station.

Rey felt like her entire body was on fire, she had never been in this much pain.

When they got home he handed her a handful of pills, and a glass of water.

Valium. Aspirin. Trazodone.

She broke down again as she laid in Ben’s bed. He curled up alongside her, fingers tracing patterns on her arms and her neck and back until the weight of everything was too much to bear, and Rey let the blackness of sleep engulf her.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with the overdose and death of Rey's mom Sarah. If you want to skip it, don't read the last January 2017 chapter.


	9. An Ocean Behind a Screen Door

 

BEREAVEMENT

KEVIN YOUNG ****  
  


Behind his house, my father's dogs   
sleep in kennels, beautiful,   
he built just for them.   
  
They do not bark.   
Do they know he is dead?   
They wag their tails   
  
& head. They beg   
& are fed.   
Their grief is colossal   
  
& forgetful.   
Each day they wake   
seeking his voice,   
  
their names.   
By dusk they seem   
to unremember everything --   
  
to them even hunger   
is a game. For that, I envy.   
For that, I cannot bear to watch them   
  
pacing their cage. I try to remember   
they love best confined space   
to feel safe. Each day   
  
a saint comes by to feed the pair   
& I draw closer   
the shades.   
  
I've begun to think of them   
as my father's own sons,   
as kin. Brothers-in-paw.   
  
My eyes each day thaw.   
One day the water cuts off.   
Then back on.   
  
They are outside dogs --   
which is to say, healthy   
& victorious, purposeful   
  
& one giant muscle   
like the heart. Dad taught   
them not to bark, to point   
  
out their prey. To stay.   
Were they there that day?   
They call me   
  
like witnesses & will not say.   
I ask for their care   
& their carelessness --   
  
wish of them forgiveness.   
I must give them away.   
I must find for them homes,   
  
sleep restless in his.   
All night long I expect they pace   
as I do, each dog like an eye   
  
roaming with the dead   
beneath an unlocked lid.

 

___________________

 

**January 2017**

 

Rey woke up in another life. Something had radically shifted in the last 24 hours. 

 

She blinked sleep from her eyes. She was so warm, the bed smelled good. Vaguely, she recalled Ben yelling at her. Was that why she felt so horrible? She licked her lips, back stretching and as air filled her lungs she remembered. 

 

_ Mom _ .

 

The air was ripped from her lungs again in a sob that turned into a scream. 

 

Suddenly arms were around her. She could smell Ben, she could feel him, hear his heart racing as he crawled into bed and pulled her against his body. 

 

He ran his fingers through her hair. He whispered soft things in her ears. His broad hand made soothing circles on her back. 

 

Ben. Ben was here. She melted into him. Her small hands clutching at him, digging into the corded muscle of his biceps. She sobbed against his neck. 

 

“You're okay, it's okay, I got you,” he whispered.

 

Rey felt like she was drowning, everything hurt, her lungs burned. She didn't have space in her mind for this. 

 

Rey had survived this long because she was able to put her strong feelings away. Because she had dozens of doors and they were all locked tight. This was like trying to keep an ocean behind a screen door. 

 

Rey was drowning but Ben was air. 

 

She opened her eyes and felt her grief ebb as he came into focus, the sharp edge of it receding. She caught her breath, took in her surroundings. 

 

She was still in her work clothes from yesterday. She was in Ben’s bed. He was in a dark shirt and gym shorts. 

 

“I made you a bath, and I'll go get whatever you need from next door, you don't have to go over there if you don't want to. Or-- if you want, you can just sleep. I'll get you another Valium.” 

 

“Yes Valium, yes bath,” Rey said, and god her voice was wrecked. 

 

Ben took her hand and led her down the hall, into Leia’s room to the big bathroom. 

 

The tub was huge and claw footed, he filled it with hot water and bubbles and something else-- lavender, rose, mint. 

 

Rey sighed deeply and started to pull at her shirt. 

 

She turned around to find Ben in the doorway, watching her, his face shuffling through emotions so quickly it was unreadable. 

 

“Ben? Will you close the door?” Rey asked. 

 

Ben didn't move right away, he licked his lips and when he spoke, his voice was a little high. “Please leave it unlocked?” 

 

_ Oh _ . 

 

Rey closed her eyes for a beat before nodding. 

 

Ben looked immediately relieved. He closed the door behind him and she heard him padding down the hall. 

 

Rey took her clothes of and sank into the water, letting the heat drum into her skin. 

 

She felt her muscles unlocking, blood rushing through her body. Her head cleared by inches. 

 

Okay.  _ Okay _ . Time to readjust. Rey began to sort through her thoughts.

 

She  _ wasn't _ going back to foster care. She was going to live with Ben and Leia. It was just a few weeks, but it was a miracle. Had Ben known? Would he have told her? It didn't matter right now. She put those questions away for later. She was going to live with Ben and Leia. 

 

That had always been her dream. 

 

The next thing to deal with was bigger. 

 

_ My mother is dead.  _

 

Objectively, Rey knew she would be sad about this about this forever. That made it oddly easier to not be sad about it right now. She didn't push on the wound, just took the feeling and found a heavy enough door. 

 

She put it away. 

 

Rey pictured hundred of locks. She tightened them all. There was no room for this right now. 

 

The water had dulled to lukewarm. Rey used her foot to add more hot water. 

 

There was also Ben. Their fight. It seemed almost inconsequential now, after sirens and fluorescent lights and screaming. But it wasn't. 

 

Ben was right, Rey had been cruel. She had messed with him because she was selfish, and wanted simultaneously to push him away and also keep him close without caring if he hated her because that had been her goal. She had been so unfair. 

 

_ No more leading Ben on _ . 

 

He was the only family she had in the world left. She wasn't going to ruin that, not if she had a chance to keep him near in some form. She was never going to be with Ben _like_ _that_ again, that door was closed, too. But she didn't need to make him hurt because of it. 

 

She had a chance to just be near him now, to let him comfort her as a friend and it was the thing she needed most in the world. 

 

Rey’s life as she knew it was ending in pieces. Once Ben left, she would have  _ nothing _ . But he wasn't gone right now. Rey took a shuddering breath. She felt better with a list in her head, she felt better with her thoughts organized and a plan for how to handle her feelings. 

 

She drained the tub, grabbing a towel that was so much softer than anything she had ever owned, and headed back to Ben’s room. It was empty, but there were clothes on the bed for her. She slipped into the soft pants and tee shirt, Ben must have gone to get them, and wandered downstairs to find Leia. 

 

“Hey sweetheart,” Leia said, “I made tea, do you want some?” 

 

Rey nodded. She wasn't sure what she could even keep down but tea seemed simple, and holding something hot would be nice. The wind outside was fierce and freezing, tree branches scraping the side of the house. 

 

“Where's Ben?” 

 

“In the basement on the treadmill. He gets antsy when he can't run outside, but it's too cold.” 

 

Rey nodded, chewing her lip. 

 

“Leia? When did you fill out all the paperwork to get custody of me?” 

 

Leia handed her a cup of tea and pushed a stray piece of hair behind her eye. Her touch was so gentle it made tears sting in Rey’s eyes. 

 

“After you got back last time, I know you and Ben weren't getting along but he was insistent, and so I started the process.” 

 

Rey’s grief flooded from under the door and consumed her again. She had been fine a moment ago, and suddenly she couldn't catch her breath. 

 

Leia took the cup from her hands and set it on the counter. She was shorter than Rey, but she seemed so much bigger somehow, as if her memories of looking up at in childhood had been etched into her mind. 

 

She wrapped her arms around Rey. 

 

“I know baby, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry.” 

 

_ I have no one.  _

 

Rey sobbed in Leia’s arms, body shaking and then as quickly as it had come, it was gone. 

 

“Sorry, I'm sorry,” Rey said. 

 

“Don't be,” Leia said seriously. 

 

“I just, I'm all over the place.” 

 

“Look, we’re just going to take this week and make you comfy, we will figure everything else out later. For now, tea, movies, couch.” 

 

Rey looked down at Leia with a watery smile and picked up the tea, breathing deeply. 

 

They could figure everything else out later. She was safe. She was okay. 

 

She curled up on the couch. 

 

“I have to get to the office, it's a mess right now. I have my phone and Ben’s here. I'll be home around ten.” 

 

Rey nodded. 

 

She listened as Leia walked down the hall and out the front door. 

 

The silence that followed was deafening. Rey could hear her heart. She was just so uncomfortable, no matter how she tried to sit. She turned on the TV, the weather channel, horrible storms, the wind outside, all background noise.

 

She heard Ben before she saw him. 

 

“Hey,” he said. 

 

Rey turned her head to look at him. 

 

“Hi,” she said. God even this was uncomfortable. She looked at Ben, in jeans a shirt, his hair shower damp. He had a backpack on. She wanted to go back in time to two years ago. She wanted Ben to come hold her and and tell her she was loved. 

 

“Are you leaving?” she asked, and she hated that her voice shook. 

 

“No! No, this is for you,” Ben said, coming to sit down next to her. 

 

Rey sat up a little straighter and Ben started pulling things out. Her favorite sweater and slippers. Her pipe and her weed. Gummy bears, sour worms, starbursts, skittles. All the candy Rey loved. 

 

“Ben--” she said, and then the tears were back. “Fuck I'm sorry, I just keep crying, I'm okay-- I'm just not in control of my fucking eyes.” 

 

Ben smiled, brushing her hair back from her face, just as Leia had done in the kitchen. She imagined Leia doing it to little Ben. She imagined Ben doing it to his kids in the future. She caught her breath. 

 

“Listen Rey-- about the other night.  I'm sorry--”

 

“No Ben don't,” Rey said, moving closer to him. She took his hand in hers. “You were right. I'm not okay, I haven't been okay for a long time. I was-- I was awful and--” 

 

Rey took a deep breath. She needed to keep Ben in her life, somehow, and it couldn't be the way she wanted for so, so long. 

 

“You're like-- like a brother to me. I-- I'm not trying to make this-- creepy? I'm just-- you’re my _family_ and my _best_ _friend_ and my-- I don't know, something _bigger_ than that, something more important. I don't want to hurt you. You've been nothing but good to me and I'm sorry I complicated things.” 

 

Ben looked confused, and Rey didn’t blame him. 

 

_ Believe me. Believe me. I need you right now and I can't--  _

 

“You’re my family too, Rey. I'm still sorry, I never should have-- with the plate-- I didn't mean to scare you.” 

 

Ben looked distraught. Rey squeezed his hand. 

 

“You didn't. I'm glad you-- I mean what you said was important and I needed to hear it. I'm sorry too.” 

 

Ben pressed his forehead against hers and they stayed like that for a moment, before he pulled back. 

 

“Can we smoke this in here?” she asked.

 

“Yeah it's fine, mom won't be back until late and she doesn't really care.” 

 

Rey nodded and packed a bowl while Ben fiddled with the remote. He put on Jurassic Park, it was one of their favorites. They had watched it together when they were nine and Rey had almost pissed herself. Ben was just as scared even though he pretended he wasn't the entire time. Rey had seen him balling his hands into fists until his knuckles were white. She smiled at the memory, Ben's little arms and too big ears. She had always loved his ears. 

 

She passed the pipe to Ben as Dr. Alan Grant explained the terrors of the Raptor to a little boy. 

 

Rey leaned against Ben, he put his arm around her and she sunk into him. 

 

It was the first time in days that she felt like she could breathe. 

 

________________

 

Living with Ben and Leia was strange. She knew this house almost as well as she knew her own. These were the rooms she and Ben had hid in as children. 

 

They used to play hide and go seek in the dark, memorizing the way into corners and under beds and desks. Rey remembered how thrilling the simple game had felt in pure darkness, how her heart had hammered while hiding as fast as it did when she was running. 

 

Still, this was someone else's life. It was another Rey in a parallel universe who lived like this, soft and close to Ben, sneaking into his room because she couldn't sleep alone, knowing he was so close by. 

 

The first night she tried to sleep alone she had come to him crying. He had rubbed her back and soothed her. 

 

The second night her eyes were dry but pleading. 

 

Ben had an old TV with an N64 in his room. He handed her a controller and they played Mario Kart. It was the first time Rey really smiled in days.

 

When it got late and she couldn't keep her eyes open, she fell asleep curled alongside Ben. 

  
  
  


Every day was different. Her grief seemed to come in waves. It wasn't something she was in control of, she didn't have access to it at will but she also couldn't close it off when it rushed her. 

 

Ben seemed almost nervous around her, she couldn't tell if it was because her mother was dead or because of the things he had said to her. She was just glad he was still near her. He hasn't even left the house except to get her things from her room. 

 

After a few days, Rey woke up with the same detached feeling she'd been drowning in since she found her mother, only it felt lighter. Reality seemed far away. Ben was stretched out next to her, solid and warm. Her head was on his chest and she could hear the slow, steady beating of his heart. 

 

Rey brought a hand up to trace against his ribs. Ben's breathing became shallower and Rey tilted her head up to find his eyes open and watching her. 

 

“Hey,” she said softly. 

 

“Hi,” he whispered, and Rey heard his heart get faster, faster. 

 

“Sorry if I woke you up,” she said, still not moving, she should move. 

 

“It's okay,” he said. 

 

“I uhm-- I feel a little better today.” 

 

“Yeah?” Ben asked, and his eyes seemed to light up a little. 

 

“Can we make cookies?” 

 

Ben let out a little laugh, Rey heard it as it rumbled in his chest. 

 

“Yeah, sure kid. Let's make cookies.” 

  
  


It was cold in the kitchen. Leia had already left for work, and Rey turned up the thermostat as Ben turned on the oven and began pulling things out of cabinets. 

 

“You have the recipe right?” she asked, sliding on her socks along the tile floor.

 

“Yep, my grandmothers.” 

 

“Nana Paddy, I miss her.” 

 

“Me too,” Ben said, and the memory of yet another death hung between them. 

 

Ben began measuring everything out, pulling down the mixer and a giant bowl. 

 

Rey loved watching him like this, so focused, a little covered in flour. 

 

Rey pulled out her phone, it was connected to their Sonos, and she put on some music. 

 

Nina Simone came on over the speakers and Ben smiled at Rey, more genuine than he had looked in a long time. 

 

Rey helped Ben stir and mix and then ball the cookie dough, plopping the gooey mess onto a baking sheet. 

 

She hip checked him playfully as she licked leftover cookie dough from her fingers and he smeared a bit of chocolate on her nose. 

 

Rey laughed, a real laugh, and then suddenly she felt so bad about feeling happy she began to cry again. 

 

Ben's face fell. 

 

“Rey?” 

 

She leaned into him, pressing her face against his chest. 

 

“I'm sorry,” she sobbed. Ben did his best to pat her back without covering her in cookie dough. After a moment she stood back, wiping her hands on a paper towel. 

 

“I'm sorry, I'm just-- I'm usually better at controlling-- and this is just-- I can't even explain it Ben. It's like I'm not in control of my feelings. Most of the time none of this even feels real.” 

 

Ben nodded. 

 

“When my dad left, I was so angry it was like every single thing I did was just an attempt to keep it in check. It felt like rage was my base setting and I was fighting against it  _ all the time,” _ he said. “But it does get easier. And it's okay to not be okay. You don't have to apologize to me, Rey. You're the strongest person I've ever met, I've been in awe of your strength since you were like five years old, being sad because your mom died isn't going to change that.”

 

Rey closed her eyes, letting Ben’s words worm their way into her. 

 

_ The way he looks at me. He means it.  _

 

Rey wanted badly to kiss him. Ben, with his messy hair and flour on his shirt and  _ those ears _ , sticking out. 

 

“Thank you,” she said, “for everything.” 

 

Ben smiled and shrugged, checking on the cookies. 

 

“These will be done by the time I clean up, why don't you go pack us a bowl and pick a movie.” 

 

_ This is someone else's life.  _

 

“Okay,” Rey said, wandering into the living room. 

 

She packed the pipe and browsed movie titles, finally settling on Alien. 

 

Ben came in with a huge plate of hot cookies, they smelled amazing. 

 

“Don't touch yet, they're hot,” Ben said. 

 

“Worth it,” Rey said, biting into a cookie. It was super hot.  “Oh my god, so worth it.” Her eyes rolled back as she finished the cookie. 

 

Ben laughed, shaking his head, and pressed play. 

 

It was warm and safe in here, and the viscous January wind couldn't reach them. 

 

_______________

  
  


When Leia told Rey she had made all of the arrangements for the funeral, Rey blanched. She had forgotten about a funeral. 

 

Her mother had been alive and now she was dead, she hadn't thought about the reality of the body or a ceremony or the  _ cost _ . 

 

Rey didn't have any money. She had a couple hundred dollars in a cigar box under her bed. Her mom had a credit card and had worked odd jobs for people every so often but there wasn't funeral money. 

 

Leia had told her not to worry, but it just made Rey feel sick. Leia hadn't asked for any of this, all Rey had ever been was a burden. Another mouth to feed. 

 

It was a cold, cold Sunday. Colder than it had been in years. Cedar Grove rarely got snow, but Rey could smell it in the distance, coppery and sharp. 

 

Cedar Grove was a small town, and even though Sarah hardly had anyone she could call a friend, she had lived in this town her entire life, and so plenty of people came out to watch her be put in the ground. 

 

Rey didn't cry at all. 

 

She didn’t cry when the pastor began to speak. Sarah never went to church while she was alive, but he spoke of God and calling her Home and being at Peace and Rey wasn't sure she believed any of it. 

 

She didn't cry when a line of people came to shake her hand and tell her  they were  _ so sorry _ , and to  _ just call if she needed anything.  _

 

She didn't cry when they lowered her mother’s body into the frozen earth, not even when she stepped up to throw dirt in the grave. 

 

She leaned into Ben as people began to filter out. 

 

Suddenly, it started to snow. 

 

_ This is someone else's life _ .

 

“Everyone is coming back to my house,” he told her. 

 

“I don't want to go yet,” she said. 

 

Ben nodded and led her back to the car. He drove them home and parked in the driveway, leading her wordlessly to the woods behind the house. 

 

It almost never snowed in Cedar Grove, but it was snowing like it meant it. Rey would always think of snow and death together now. Pure white. 

 

She followed Ben to The Treehouse. 

 

The woods were magical like this, Rey didn't even mind the cold. She felt like she was in another world, on another planet. Nothing hurt because nothing was real. 

 

_ How strange it is to exist at all.  _

 

They were supposed to return to school tomorrow. It seemed like such a trivial thing now, school. Rey wasn't sure why she bothered. She decided she wasn't going to do it anymore. She would explain it to Ben and Leia later. 

 

It didn't matter right now. 

 

It was cold but dry inside. 

 

“I wanna watch the snow,” she said, and Ben nodded, following her out to the small, overhanging patio. They sat there, knees drawn up against the little rail and ben gave Rey a cigarette. She watched the smoke combine with the vapor from her breath, clouding over little snowflakes. 

 

She put her head on Ben’s shoulder. Everything smelled like iron and earth and fir trees.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked her. 

 

“You know, I think this makes me a terrible person but right now what I feel is relief. I didn't realize I was waiting for this to happen.” 

 

Ben took her gloved hand and squeezed. “You're not terrible.” 

 

_ I am _ . 

 

Rey thought about how soon Ben would be gone. She thought about now she had no one left to protect, how she had no one left to let down. 

 

“It doesn't matter,” she said, and Ben stayed silent. 

 

Together they watched as snow fell and clung to the rough bark of the trees. 

 

Only when they were both shivering and blue lipped did they head back to the warmth of Leia’s kitchen, where Rey was lost in a sea of pitying looks and strangers embraces. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grief is so weird. Thank you so much for sticking with this story. We're about 2/3 of the way done with it. If you like it please let me know! Also that poem is by Kevin Young, an amazing upcoming poet. His stuff on grief is beautiful.


	10. Cut and Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait guys. Thanks for sticking with me.

**January - February 2017**

 

Time crawled. Rey lost hours, minutes, moments. She cried less as the days past but she just hurt in a way that seemed too big.

 

She was all alone on this world.

 

At night she dreamt of stars, going out one by one by one until only one was left and the sky smelled of panic she would wake up in a cold sweat.

 

In Ben’s bed. Still, in Ben’s bed and his hands would find her heart and stroke it back to silence.

 

Winter break passed like this, soft touches and aching and the knowledge that again, this was someone else’s  life. Rey wasn’t sure she even existed. She could feel her mother watching her, could hear her crying. She was losing her mind.

 

School started again. Hux and his crew wouldn’t even look at Rey. It was for the best.

 

Rose gave her a hug, saying, “Sorry about your mom,” and giving her a sad smile. There was a lot of that.

People she didn’t even know coming up to hug her.

 

Still, Rey ate alone in the library. She didn’t really want to talk to anyone.

 

Ben invited her to eat with him and Jess. _Jess._

 

“It’s okay,” she said with a shrug. “I want to read, anyway.”

 

Ben looked like he didn’t believe her, but he didn’t push it. He ate with Jess every day and then came home to Rey, who clung to him like a small animal, desperate.

 

_This can’t last. This has to end._

 

She knew it. She knew she couldn’t do this. What kind of a life was this?

 

_Just get Ben out. Once he’s gone you can— you can leave. You can follow mom if you want._

 

Rey still hadn’t gone back into her house. Honestly, she was terrified of it. It felt like a graveyard. Haunted by the dead. She felt like her entire life would just be opening that door, finding her mother, opening that door, finding her mother— an infinite loop.

 

The day before her birthday was a Saturday, and she found Ben playing video games in the basement before bed.

 

“I’m heading upstairs for the night,” she said.

 

“I’ll be up in a few,” Ben said, not looking up from the television.

 

Rey had slept in his bed every night since her mom died.

 

“Actually I think I’m gonna sleep in the guest room,” she said. Ben’s eyes left the screen and found her face instead. “So take your time.”

 

He opened his mouth, closed it again, nodded. “Sure, night.”

 

She swallowed and headed upstairs, slipping into the crisp, clean sheets of the guest bed.

 

She would be eighteen tomorrow. She knew what it meant. She tried to sleep, but she had gotten used to the warmth of Ben beside her.

 

Several times she debated going to him, but she forced herself not to.

 

It would be easier this way. Finally, after hours, sleep took her.

  


Rey had always celebrated her birthday with the Solo’s. It was a tradition she was thankful for today, it felt normal. It would help.

 

Leia made her favorite pasta dish, and let them drink beer with dinner which made Ben smile smugly.

 

“Go have a seat, I’ll be right in,” she said, shooing them out of the kitchen.

 

Ben put his hand on Rey’s back to lead her into the dining room and her whole world narrowed down to his skin on hers, the place where they connected.

 

She sat down and Leia brought the food out and Rey even smiled during dinner. This felt normal.  After dinner, they had cookies instead of cake and Leia handed her a little box.

 

It was a new iphone.

 

“Leia this is… this is too much.”

 

“Nonsense, we had a free line,” she shrugged. Rey thought about her shitty Android.

 

“I can’t,” she said, pushing it back toward her. “I um, listen I can’t thank you enough. You saved me, really I— I wouldn’t haven’t survived this without you guys but… I’m eighteen now and we’ll, I’m not gonna stay here anymore and—“ she steeled herself. “ I’m not going back to school. I need to work, you know? It’s just me and while I am so thankful I can’t accept this. I can’t— I don’t want to burden you.”

 

_Or disappoint you._

 

Leia opened her mouth to argue.

 

“Please,” Rey said. “It’s my birthday and I just want to eat cookies and— not fight.”

 

“I don’t like this at all,” Leia said.

 

“You’re almost done,” Ben said, tilting his head at her. “It’s just a few months until graduation Rey I don’t understand?”

 

“I know you don’t,” she said to him, because of course he didn’t, how could he? “Please don’t take this as a lack of gratitude, I just. I know what I need to do, okay? I’m not getting into college and I can’t afford…” she sighed. “I need to do this okay? And really, it’s my choice. So thank you, but no thank you,” she said, pushing the phone back to Leia.

 

“I uh— I’m gonna go home, now.”

 

“Rey,” Ben said, desperate, and she turned to him, but he didn’t say anything else, so she nodded, and kissed Leia on the cheek, and walked out of the Solo house.

 

It was time to go home.

 

**June 2010**

 

“Where do you think we’ll go when we grow up?” Rey asked Ben.

 

“I don’t know, but I know we’ll go together. I guess we could go anywhere.”

 

“We could buy a boat and be pirates.”

 

Ben laughed, loud and clear.

 

“Sure,” he said. “We’ll be pirates.”

  


**June 2017**

 

Rey worked. She got a second job at a coffee shop during the day, and she worked at Nino’s at night. If she worked enough, she would be so tired by the end of the day she would just float into sleep. The busier she stayed, the less she had to think because as soon as she slowed down, everything fell apart.

 

More than once she had nearly caved, nearly run to Ben and kissed him and begged him to love her.

 

So instead she worked, and when she wasn’t working she ran. As the weather warmed, it was easier to run outside and she did so every day, until her feet hurt and her lungs burned and she couldn’t think.

 

Sometimes, she broke down. Sometimes, she didn’t see the point, and thought it would be easier to end it now.

 

But some ridiculous, stubborn part of her needed to wait until Ben was gone.

 

He was leaving for college in August. She just had to make it August. She could do it. She could drag her body out of bed and force herself to move and to exist for a little bit.

  


And once he was gone, she was going to kill herself. She already had a plan. She knew how she would do it.

 

It was all part of her plan. The distance. Telling Ben she didn’t love him. It had to work. He would be okay without her, she knew he would be okay without her.

 

It was just her who couldn’t live without him. Ben was her world and she was just a piece of his. He had his mom and Jess and college. He didn’t need her.

  


So Rey worked. And she ran. And she tried not to think.

 

Why she agreed to go to the stupid party, she didn’t know. It was just that everyone was going to be there, celebrating graduation and she thought maybe, _maybe_ getting out of her head would be good.

 

She should have known better.

 

Rey didn’t really drink. She smoked weed, and occasionally she had a beer but… she didn’t trust booze. Had never liked feeling out of control.

 

So why then, when Rose handed her a bottle of Tequila, she thought it would be a good idea to chug down a third of it, she will never know.

 

She was just so, so done.

 

And just like that, she was laughing. She felt lighter, weightless and free. Why didn’t she do this every day? This was so much better than hurting endlessly.

 

She held onto Rose and they giggled and they talked and Rey opened up about how hard it had been. She felt like she was coming back to herself. Slowly, dizzily, but surely.

 

She saw Ben, he was with Poe on the other side of a wise yard and it was as if as soon as her eyes found him, they couldn’t tear away.

 

She tried not to stare, and only broke away when another figure filled her vision, making her mouth go dry.

 

“Little orphan Johnson, how's being a dropout treating you?” Hux looked like she remembered. Mean.

 

“It’s fine,” she said with a drunken smile. “Sunshine and rainbows.”

 

“I’m sure, hey can I talk to you for a minute?”

 

Rey wanted to say no, would have said no, but she wasn’t really _thinking_ so she shrugged and she followed Hux to the side of the house, where the noise drowned out and they were alone.

 

“You look good,” he said, touching her face. Rey stepped back.

 

“What did you wanna tell me?”

 

“That you look good,” Hux said with a shrug, “and that I miss you. I’m sad we never got to fuck. I think about it all the time.”

 

“Funny, I literally never think about it,” Rey said, and she tried to brush past him, back to the party.

 

Hux pushed her, hard, against the side of the house.

 

“I’m not done with you,” he said, sliding his body against hers and pushing his knee between her legs. Rey was pinned. A butterfly on a board, a fly in amber.

 

“Stop,” she said sharply, “let me go.”

 

“No,” Hux said softly, causally, and he kissed her neck, using all of his weight to pin her.

 

Everything in Rey’s brain just _crashed_ , and she snapped.

 

_The memory of hands holding her down, of hands on_

_her mouth, silencing her, the weight of a body she didn’t want._

 

She screamed, panic taking over her. Rey was strong— she ran a lot and she was active all day and the alcohol only made her fierce and unafraid of physical pain as she kicked and scratched at Hux, going for his eyes.

 

She clawed at them and saw blood. He jumped back.

 

“You fucking BITCH!”

 

Rey ducked under his arm and she ran. And ran. And ran.

 

She was good at running. She ran all the way home.

 

Inside, she trashed the house. She broke every plate.

 

All she was was a piece of meat, something people could use and leave behind. No one had ever loved her except Ben, and she was poison to him.

 

She _screamed_ , her hands were bleeding— the mirror, she had shattered it with her fists.

 

She couldn’t stop shaking. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t wait until Ben was gone, she didn’t have it in her.

 

This ended now. This ended tonight.

 

She found a pen, and she began to write.

  


_Ben,_

 

 _I’m so sorry. I can't tell you everything, there are some things I’m taking to my grave but I couldn’t let my love for you be one of them. I have_ always _loved you, I_ always _wanted better for you. I am so sorry you met me. I am so sorry it had to be me that you loved, I wish it was anyone else._

 

_I love you forever, please don't hurt for me. This is all we were ever going to get in this lifetime, but I’ll find you in the next one. Thank you for everything. I’ll see you in dreams._

 

_Yours forever,_

_Rey_

 

Rey felt strangely sober now, as she slipped into the treehouse and pinned the note to the door.

 

Then she got on her bike and headed to the quarry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re closing in on the end of this story. Next chapter is from Ben’s POV and I’ve been really looking forward to writing it.


	11. I Remember it Differently

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one week to say sorry about the lag!!

**June 2017**

 

Ben was good at watching Rey without staring, so he noticed when she left with Hux. He also noticed when Hux came back a few minutes later, bleeding. 

 

Ben bristled. He didn’t see Rey. 

 

He searched the yard, inside of the house, the curb outside. 

 

She was gone. He had a horrible feeling, sheer panic welling up inside of his body, hot and itchy and pressing. 

 

He hadn’t driven himself, he had come with Poe and Poe was neck deep in Finn and  _ not _ leaving and Ben couldn’t wait, so he started to run. 

 

Something was wrong. Something was really wrong. Something has been wrong for so long but this— this was different. 

 

He felt like he was already too late. 

 

He ran into her house, screaming for her. 

 

“Rey!” 

 

No answer. She wasn’t here— she wasn’t— maybe—

 

He sprinted into the yard and into the Treehouse. 

 

It was empty too except… he saw the note, pinned the door, and his world stopped. 

 

Every word he read was a knife. 

 

_ She loved him. He was too late.  _

 

No. No. Where was she?

 

“REY!” 

 

Ben  _ screamed.  _ He screamed and he screamed. 

 

Where would she go? Where would she go to— fuck.  _ Fuck _ . He couldn’t fall apart right now, not yet. 

 

He closed his eyes and tried to think. 

 

He had two options. The train tracks and the quarry. 

 

Ben hadn’t prayed since Han left, but as he ran back home and grabbed his car keys, he prayed. 

 

_ Please let me be right. Let me find her. Please God, please don’t let me be too late.  _

 

He peeled out of his driveway. 

  
  


**September 2005**

 

Ben had never met anyone as fun as Rey. She had all these ideas for games that he would have never thought of. 

 

Ben was the kind of kid who followed the instructions on his toys, dinosaurs went with other dinosaurs, they never got mixed with superheros and pirates. 

 

But Rey had these stories she would tell him. 

 

“This dinosaur was hatched from a space egg,” she said, “and brought down in this ship. And the cowboy is the one who found him and he tried to eat him!” she burst out laughing at this, and Ben followed. “And this guy stopped him.” 

 

“That guy is a baseball man, he doesn’t go with the space men.” 

 

“Don’t be boring, Ben,” she said, rolling her eyes. 

 

Ben vowed to try and never seem boring in front of Rey again.

 

She was good at everything, drawing and playing and answering questions. 

 

By five years old, Ben Solo was sure that Rey Johnson was the smartest, most wonderful person to ever exist. 

 

**October 2008**

 

Ben and Rey were having a sleepover. They did this a lot on weekends. They brought sleeping bags down to the basement and his mom always gave them popcorn and candy and let them stay up late to watch movies. 

 

They had Austin Powers on and Rey kept bursting out laughing, curling into a ball and kicking her feet to catch her breath which just made Ben laugh harder. 

 

He liked the way she looked when she laughed. He liked her freckles. 

 

Sometimes he felt like Rey was his sister, but something about that felt  _ off. _ Poe had said that Ben wanted to marry Rey and it made Ben push him, because  _ no thanks, don’t be gross  _ but he also couldn't let the idea go. Would Rey want to marry him? He wasn’t very good looking, he knew. Not as handsome as some of the other boys, the ones the girls always chased like Poe and Hux. But Rey only ever wanted to play with him, and he guessed it didn’t matter if they got married as long as they stayed next door to each other when they grew up.

 

Ben had never even thought about a world where Rey wasn’t right next to him. 

 

“Rey,” he asked, “do you think we’ll be friends forever?” 

 

Rey sat up, and she looked worried. 

 

“Why wouldn’t we be? Would you like— would you leave? Or go away?” 

 

“No, I wouldn’t, just you know,” he shrugged. He didn’t know what he meant, but Rey looked so anxious he regretted it. “Never mind.” 

 

“Promise me you won’t ever leave me.” 

 

Ben looked at her. He was only nine years old, but he took promises seriously. 

 

“I promise, Rey, I will  _ never _ leave you.” 

 

**June 2017**

 

Ben drove fast. Too fast. If a cop tried to get him he would just lead them to Rey. He wasn’t slowing down for anything. 

 

He had to be right. He had to find her. He couldn’t imagine a world in which Rey didn’t exist. She had been the light in his life since he could remember. 

 

The train tracks. It had to be the train tracks. Right?

 

He stepped on the gas, pushing ahead faster. 

 

**December 2011**

 

Ben kind of sort of MAYBE had a crush on Rey. 

 

It wasn’t a big deal. It just felt like dying. 

 

Ben had watched other kids his age “date” and it had never lasted more than a few weeks and then they never spoke again and the idea of making things so weird with Rey just made him want to die. 

 

He was just so… sweaty. And his voice was weird now and he had grown like, a lot, in the last year and he felt terrible all the time. 

 

He was so fucking weird around everyone. Everyone except Rey. 

 

She showed up at his house after school with a new box of colored pencils and a  _ delighted  _ look on her face. 

 

“Let’s make a comic! Like Captain Underpants!” 

 

Ben agreed even though he didn’t like drawing, but he helped Rey come up with characters. A skeleton and a pile of guts, and create crazy adventures for them. Her drawings were so good, campy and well lined. He was amazed. 

 

Every time Rey laughed his chest filled with something warm, and he would redouble his efforts, coming up with grosser and more outlandish scenarios for Boner and Bloodbag. 

 

“They can go on a roller coaster and end up squished together and then Boner can barf out Bloodbag. 

 

Rey howled, grabbing onto Ben’s shoulder with her warm hand and Ben felt it  _ everywhere _ .

 

He never stopped feeling it after that. 

 

**June 2017**

 

Ben couldn’t breath. 

 

Everything was wrong and this was wrong and the more he thought about it—

 

“Fuck!” he screamed, his voice rough and terrifying, even to his own ears. 

 

He took a sharp left on Smith street and headed for the quarry. He was gambling here but— the closer he got to the tracks the more he knew he was wrong. 

 

He could  _ feel _ her. 

 

_ Hold on.  _

 

He sped through the residential streets. 

 

Rey. She loved him. Had always loved him and yet— It didn’t matter. If she had loved him the whole time  _ why _ ? Why do… all of  _ this _ ? 

 

_ Not now, it doesn’t matter right now.  _

 

He made a sharp right, tires burning as he did so. 

 

_ It only matters that I get to her in time  _

 

**December 2014**

 

Ben had never had trouble getting Rey a holiday gift. It was easy when they were young and he could pick out a toy or art supplies, but it got harder as they got older. 

 

He needed it to be perfect. 

 

Ben knew his feelings for Rey were evolving, that they were deeper and more intense than any other aspect in his life. That the two of them were heading somewhere  _ different _ . 

 

_ Intimate _ , he thought. 

 

There was a new tension between them, lingering touches and longer glances and a heavy silence that never used to be there. 

 

He thought about her all the time, thought about kissing her, about touching her. It was overwhelming. 

 

In the end he settled on a beautiful leather sketchbook and new headphones for her iPod. 

 

When she opened the gift she threw her arms around his neck. 

 

He brought a hand to her lower back, rubbing softly and she pressed her face into his neck, whispering against his skin. “Thank you, thank you.” 

 

It was warm in his mother’s kitchen. He shivered anyway. 

 

**August 2015**

 

Being with Rey was like living in a dream. Ben wouldn’t have believed anyone could be this happy. 

 

He had gotten the only thing he’d ever wanted. 

 

He got to kiss her, press his lips against her lips and her neck and her hands and her knees. His heart beat so damn fast every single time. 

 

Sometimes they would make out like,  _ really _ make out and his hands would slide over her body and he could feel the solid peaks of her nipples or the heat from between her legs through her jeans and it was hard to breathe. 

 

Sometimes they would rock against each other until they were breathless and Rey trembled and bit her lip and Ben spilled himself inside of his pants with a little grunt. 

 

He didn’t feel rushed, they had their entire lives to learn each other, just being able to touch her at all was— it was more than enough. 

 

“I love you,” he told her, that first time, holding her shivery body in his lap, smoothing his hands over the back of her shirt. “I love you so much.” 

 

**November 2015**

 

Han showed up to take Ben out for his birthday. He had seen his dad twice in the last year. 

 

Each meeting only made him hate him more. 

 

Rage wasn’t new, but since Rey had left everything was a thousand times worse. 

 

She had left him, still asleep in the Treehouse. She had just… left. He should never have fallen asleep, they should have left immediately. 

 

He had thought they were going to run away together, to be together forever and— and she had—

 

Maybe she really didn’t love him, after all. She had left him and he hadn’t heard a word. It made him sick with worry. There was no way she had  _ no  _ access to the internet. Even schools let you email if not go on Facebook. But school had started more than a month ago… 

 

He wanted to fucking punch Han. He couldn’t stand the pathetic, kicked dog look he keeps giving him. Like he peed on the carpet and wants to be forgiven. 

 

Ben considered it lucky that he got through a tense and quiet meal without punching the shit out of him. 

 

“I heard about Rey,” Han said at one point, and Ben’s jaw went tight  and his fists curled. 

 

He didn’t even want him to say her name. 

 

“Do not talk about her,” he snapped. “You have no idea. She was crushed that you didn’t even say bye to her. She didn’t know you well enough to expect disappointment. I’m sure she does now.” 

 

Han looked hurt, and sheepish, and apologetic in a way that had never been sincere. 

 

“You haven’t talked to her all?” he asked, and he couldn’t possibly know what a sore spot this was for Ben. Couldn’t possibly know that he had made love to Rey only to have her leave him and refuse to speak to him so he didn’t say anything, just stood up and walked outside to the car. 

 

They didn’t talk on the drive home. 

  
  


**April 2017**

 

Jess broke up with Ben over winter break, right after Sarah died. 

 

He didn’t know why he couldn’t bring himself to tell Rey. He had worried that if she knew he was single, she wouldn’t sleep in his bed anymore. She might think he was chasing her again. Being with Jess was good because it was a giant banner that read SEE? I AM TOTALLY NOT IN LOVE WITH REY JOHNSON even though he totally was. 

 

Rey had made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with him, even though Ben could have sworn sometimes it seemed like still wanted him, still loved him. 

 

Jess had been a good friend to him, and they had made out a few times and tried dating but she knew he loved Rey, and once Rey was living in his house well… Jess didn’t like it, obviously, and that was that. 

 

Maybe he should have told Rey.

Maybe he should have just told her everything, every day. 

 

_ Good morning, I love you.  _

_ Do you want tea? I love you.  _

_ Let’s go for a drive. I love you.  _

 

But she had been very clear about her feelings and as much as everything in his heart said  _ wrong wrong wrong  _ he had to listen to her. He couldn’t push her. And if she thought he was with Jess she wouldn’t expect him to, wouldn’t be on guard.

 

Rey was so clearly not okay, hadn’t been okay for so long but her grief was like ankle weights in the ocean and he couldn’t reach her, and it was killing him. 

  
  


**June 2018**

 

Ben sped toward the quarry. He felt sick, his heart was beating as fast as it had been on his run, it hadn’t slowed at all. 

 

He pulled up to the dirt lot that backed up to the edge of the cliff and he saw her, standing by the sheer drop off. He wasn’t too late. 

 

The car spun out as he pulled up next to her and she turned, a look of pure shock on her face. 

 

He threw the car in park and ran out, keys still in the ignition. He tackled her, slamming her body into the ground, pinning her under him and he was sobbing. 

 

He wasn’t too late, he had found her, he’d been right and she couldn’t jump now, he was holding her down. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she gasped, crying. 

 

“Are you okay?!” his voice was too high. He pinned her legs with his legs, straddling her and running his hands over her face, her arms, her shoulders, making sure she was real, she was here. “Rey are you hurt?!” 

 

She shook her head, her hands were on his face. Ben leaned down and kissed her, crying against her mouth. “Fuck,” he panted, “please don’t leave me, Rey please don’t leave! I love you so much, I swear to god, Rey, I will follow you right now.” 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Ben I— I fucked everything up.” 

 

Ben buried his face in her neck. “We’re gonna fix it, Rey I promise you, we’re gonna figure it out.” She sobbed under him, desperate, pained sobs. “Baby, baby, I’ll never leave you, I promise,” he said and she just cried harder. 

 

“No Ben you don’t get it, you don’t get it. All I do is hold you back I can't— I need you to—“ she choked, closing her eyes. 

 

To what?! Needed him to what?!

 

“You deserve better.” 

 

Ben was so angry at her right now, so angry and so relieved and so in love. 

 

For someone so smart she could be so stupid. 

 

“Oh, Rey,” he said, tears streaming down his face. “All I've ever wanted, my  _ whole _ life, all I’ve ever wanted was you.”

 

He leaned down and kissed her again, wet and slow. Then he pulled out his phone and called 911.

  
  


Ben rode in the ambulance with Rey. She wouldn’t stop crying, wouldn’t look at him, but she held his hand as she wept. 

 

Ben felt fucking helpless. He had gotten to her in time, he had stopped her from— from—

 

But she wasn’t okay, nothing about this was okay. 

 

Leia met them at the hospital, she kissed Rey’s forehead before they rushed her into observation, and then she wrapped her arms around Ben. 

 

He absolutely broke. He couldn’t breathe, he was crying so hard. She led him over to a chair and let him put his head on her chest while she stroked his hair. 

 

“You saved her, she’s okay.” 

 

“She is not okay, mom, you know and I both know it.” 

 

“She’s alive, she has you, she is strong. She’s gonna be okay.” 

 

Ben didn’t believe it. He hadn’t been enough for Rey before, why would he be now?

 

They weren’t allowed to see her for a while, and when Ben went into the little curtain drawn room, she was asleep, heavily medicated, the doctor said. Xanax. 

 

She looked peaceful, if not a little too thin, a little too tired. She was beautiful, the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Rey. Alive. 

 

He pulled a chair up alongside her. 

 

“I’m going to stay,” he said, “I’ll Uber home later.” 

 

Leia nodded and kissed his head, and then Rey’s, and she left. 

 

Ben took her hand in his and held it, resting his head on her stomach and closing his eyes. 

  
  


Ben woke up to the sensation of someone playing with his hair. He opened his eyes and look up at Rey. She was awake.

 

She was crying and she was smiling. 

 

“Hi,” she said.

 

Ben sat up and cupped her face, pulling her into a kiss, pressing himself closer to her. 

 

She welcomed him, mouth opening and hand tangling in his hair. 

 

Fuck he had missed this so much. 

 

“Hi,” he echoed. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” she said, “I think we need to talk.” 

 

Ben nodded. She needed to talk. He needed to listen. 

 

“I just— I should have talked to you. I shouldn’t have shut you out the way I did but— Ben I was trying to protect you, trying to keep you safe from me and from this— this inevitability.”

 

“I don’t understand,” he said desperately, touching her face. “Rey I don’t understand.” 

 

“I always loved you, Ben. But I knew a long time ago that you had a different future than me— that you wanted to leave this town, go Ivy League, that you could make something great of yourself, and I— I never would have been able to follow you.” 

 

“I wouldn’t have gone anywhere you couldn’t follow, if that’s what you wanted—“

 

“I know, and that’s why I didn’t want it. I didn’t want you to rot here with me because Ben, I had to stay to take care of my mom and once she was gone I was just— stuck here. Waiting for you to be gone and free of me because I would never have let you stay. I thought it would be easier if you thought I didn’t love you.”

 

“It wasn’t. And it’s not your choice alone—“

 

“Ben please,” Rey begged. “I couldn’t have lived with being the reason you gave up your dreams. I still won’t. You’re going to go to Princeton, Ben. And I am not following you, I can’t. You deserve a real shot. And I— I’m  _ not _ okay, Ben I can’t—“

 

She broke off crying again. All of this, all of her pushing him away had been for this? For this idea that she didn’t deserve— that she couldn’t have a life with him— he felt anger flood him. He tensed. 

 

“Ben please, don’t be mad at me.” She put her hands back on his face, begging him. “I wanted you to fly as high as you could and I knew it meant I couldn’t follow. And I knew you would do anything for me, that you would cancel your dreams for me and I didn’t want that. I always knew I would die here, Ben, I just wanted it to be after you had moved on but I— everything has just been so fucked up since mom and—“ 

 

She shook her head. 

 

“I need help, Ben, I need real help. If I’m gonna keep going I need serious, serious help. And I need you to not put your life on hold for me, okay? You can’t run away for me.” 

 

Ben had tried to hold his tears back, but he couldn’t. They fell thick and hot and heavy against his face as she spoke. 

 

“We could have done this so differently, Rey,” he said. 

 

“But we didn’t. And this is where we are.” 

 

“I love you,” he said. 

 

“I know,” she kissed him again. “And I love you, always. You’ll always be my first love but please, Ben please. I need you to understand. I can’t just fall into you I have to do this for myself, and I have to do it alone, and you need to not put your life on hold for me. Ben  _ please _ .”

 

He did understand, even though he hated it. 

 

“I’m gonna make sure you get help,” he said, kissing her chin, her jaw, her neck. 

 

“I know. Come here,” she said, making room for him on the little bed. He slid in behind her, cradling the warmth of her body. 

 

She smelled like Rey, like vanilla and sunshine and home, and he pressed his nose to her hair. 

 

“Everything is gonna be okay,” he said, choking on his own tears. “Even if we’re not together, Rey, it’s going to be okay.” 

 

Ben held her and they cried. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my sweet kids. Tell me how you’re feeling. Let’s talk about it.


	12. Treehouse, Treehome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me. This is the end for these two.

 

 **June** **2017**

 

Rey wasn’t allowed to go back home. Ben stayed with her in the hospital all night, and the next day she was transferred to a long term facility.

 

Oak Tree Terrace was _nice,_ nice enough that it made Rey suspicious. She had Medicaid; she had expected a state run facility; but this— this was above that.

 

She knew Leia had something to do with it.

 

It was kind of a rehab, people were there for all kinds of reasons, drugs and eating disorders and other suicide attempts.

 

Oak Tree wasn’t a hospital, it was a _facility_ , with little bungalows and a big grassy courtyard where they had group therapy in the sunshine.

 

Rey also had one-on-one therapy every day. She had never considered therapy before; her entire life, adults were not people to be trusted, not people who were on her side. Her therapist, a wiry older woman named Claire, was nothing like that. She cursed and she empathized with Rey.

 

“You were dealt a shit hand,” she said, their very first meeting. “And you survived it. That’s fucking amazing, Rey, don’t discount that.”

 

So Rey talked.

 

She talked about Ben, and her mom, and her secrets, and her foster family— what they did to her— all of it.

 

She talked and she talked and she talked.

 

There were doctors there too, and they started her on medication--another thing she had never considered.

 

After a few weeks, it became easier to pinpoint her triggers. It used to be that she would feel so awful for no reason, but now she could see _why_ she reacted, she could understand _why_ something that someone else said, or did, or the way someone touched her had such an effect.

 

She had no cell phone, no computers, no contact with the outside world.

 

For two and a half months, her life consisted of early wake up calls, yoga in the courtyard, multiple therapy sessions, physicals, and consultations.

 

For two and a half months Rey Johnson focused on nothing but herself.

 

And then, ten weeks later, she went home.

  
  
  


**August** **2017**

 

“Ben left for Princeton just a few weeks ago,” Leia said, as they were driving back to Rey’s house.

 

She had come to pick her up. Rey hadn’t even been the one to call her; she was just waiting there when Rey finished packing her stuff.

 

“Does he like it?” Rey asked, hoping her voice was causal.

 

“He just started classes last week but I think so, he already doesn’t call me enough,” she said playfully. “You haven’t uh— haven’t talked to him yet?”

 

“I turned my phone off while I was— while I was away. Haven’t turned it back on yet.”

  


Leia pulled into their shared driveway and Rey looked over at her house.

 

“I hate this house,” she said, because speaking her feelings was a thing she was working on.

 

“I can help you sell it,” Leia said. “It’s worth enough to put away some money, you could move if you wanted to— get an apartment.”

 

Rey could bear the unspoken words.

 

_You could move to Princeton._

 

Rey hadn’t even considered selling it. She wasn’t sure why. She looked at the house, the place that she grew up in, and she looked at Leia’s house.

 

She would still have that, she would still have the treehouse to come back to, she would still have all the memories she wanted and she wouldn’t have to live inside the ones that made her sick.

 

“Okay,” Rey said. “Let’s sell the house.”

  
  
  


Leia did all of the leg work: she found the realtor and she helped Rey with the paperwork and they put the house on the market within two weeks.

 

Rey turned her phone on, she started texting Ben.

 

She and Leia had decided to keep everything a secret, so she didn’t mention selling the house, only that she was doing better and working some shifts and Nino’s and on meds, still talking to her therapist.

 

Ben liked school. Of course he did, he was a giant nerd.

 

Rey quietly got her GED.

 

It only took a few weeks for the house to sell and suddenly, Rey had money.

 

Real money.

 

Fifty thousand dollars in the bank.

 

It wasn’t enough to live on forever but Leia was right, she could pay off a year of an apartment, she could move and buy some new furniture and a _car_. She paid Leia back for treatment, once she realized how much she had spent to keep Rey in a safe space, a place that would heal her and not hurt her.

 

The second week of September, Rey packed up her little Corolla-- it was used, but gently so-- and she had one last cup of coffee with Leia.

 

“You’re sure he has no idea, right?”

 

“I’m sure, Rey. I haven’t told him anything.”

 

Rey bit her lip. She was so fucking nervous. she never would have done something like this on her own, but Leia’s enthusiasm has fueled her and for the first time in her life Rey felt focused and capable.

 

She wasn’t moving into Ben’s life, she was creating her own life alongside him. He could choose to be in her life as much or as little he wanted. That was his choice.

 

Like Claire always said, you can’t make other people’s choices for them.

 

Rey hugged Leia tight, so tight, and then she got in her car and headed east.

  


**September** **2017**

 

She had seen pictures of the apartment online, but seeing it in person was emotional in a way Rey had _not_ anticipated.

 

She’d had furniture delivered, simple stuff like a double bed and a bookshelf, a little desk, a couch and coffee table.

 

Everything else she got at Target, piling her cart with a coffee maker and forks and spoons and a shower curtain, toothpaste, string lights for her bedroom.

 

She took a full week putting her home together. When she finished she started crying.

 

 _Rey’s home_ , she thought. _Just mine._

 

She wanted to do this alone, she wanted this space to feel like hers.

 

And it did.

 

She had house plants and light, sheer curtains and she framed a few little prints she had gotten at a flea market and she even sprang for a TV.

 

It was clean and it had no bad memories and it was hers.

 

_Rey’s._

  
  


Rey

_I have a surprise for you_

 

Ben

_Should I be nervous_

 

Rey

_lol I know you will be anyway sooo_

 

Ben

_Fair point. What’s the surprise._

 

Rey lived about twenty minutes west of campus, on a little road dotted with coffee shops.

 

Rey

_Can you come to the Starbucks on Court St in Rosedale tomorrow at 2?_

 

Ben

_…_

 

Ben

_Yes. Why?_

 

Rey

_I need you to pick something up for me there, it’s kind of a long story. Just trust me._

 

Ben

_Okay. I trust you._

  


Rey smiled at her phone, her heart racing. Finally.

  
  
  
  
  


It was hot for September, so Rey was in shorts and a plain black t-shirt as she headed out.

 

She had gained a bit of weight while in treatment--apparently it was impossible not to--but she figured it was better to be happy chunky than stressed out and thin.

 

Ben wouldn’t care.

 

She got to the Starbucks early and ordered a lemonade, then she sat outside and waited.

 

She was nearly shaking with nerves and excitement.

 

She saw his car before she saw him. She was almost hyperventilating as he parked. She stood up. Than sat back down. Then stood up.

 

Ben turned around and saw her. His eyes went wide and mouth opened.

 

It only took him about ten seconds to reach her but they were the longest ten seconds of Rey’s life.

 

“Rey,” he said, and then she was in his arms and she was crying. She told herself she wouldn’t but—

 

“Hi,” she sobbed, pressing her face to his neck.

 

“What are you doing here? Did you come to visit me?”

 

Rey laughed, watery and light.

 

“Better,” she said. “I really do have a surprise. Will you walk with me?”

 

Ben took her hand, and they headed down the tree lined street.

 

“How’s school?” she asked, because there was a silence between them she was desperately trying not to fill with the words I LIVE HERE NOW.

 

“It’s amazing,” Ben said, eyes lighting up. “It’s really— it’s great. Better than I thought it would be.”

 

“I’m so glad you love it,” Rey said, squeezing his hand.

 

“What about you? How are you?”

 

“Better,” Rey said, “There are some things that are still really fucked but I’m working on it, and I feel capable of handling it for the first time in like— ever.”

 

They stopped in front of Rey’s apartment.

 

“We’re here,” she said, tugging him along to the door.

 

She pulled out keys.

 

“Rey…” Ben said.

 

“Don’t ruin it,” she snapped, smiling up at him.

 

Ben smiled too and followed her down the narrow hall to apartment 1C.

 

Rey took a shaking breath as she opened the door.

  


It wasn’t a big space, a little one bedroom, but it was so clearly _Rey’s._

 

Ben blinked in surprise.

 

“How?” he whispered.

 

“Your mom helped me sell the house. I— I got good money for it, considering. Enough to cover this place for a while and I— I got my GED and— I was gonna tell you but I didn’t want to do it _for you_ , you know? I wanted to do it for me and then see if maybe you know— if you still wanted to— to be with me, or whatever,” she pulled at the hem of her shirt. “If you want.”

 

Ben was on her before she could blink, he was kissing the air from her lungs and she gasped as his hands moved like tongues of fire from her hair to her back to her ass.

 

“I’m so—“ he panted in between kisses, “fucking proud of you.”

 

Rey sobbed, but she didn’t stop kissing him, she pulled him closer and nipped at his lips, ran her fingers through his hair. When she did finally pull back, Ben was crying too.

 

“I love you,” she sobbed. “Ben I love you so much and I’m so fucking sorry— I hurt you— I fucked it up so bad and I—“

 

He was on her again, making a pitiful little strangled sound as he started backing her up into her bedroom.

 

“Rey,” he whispered. “My Rey.”

 

Rey nodded, she was a fucking mess, she had to wipe snot away with her arm while Ben sank to his knees in front of her.

 

He kissed her shoulders and down to her belly, pushing her shirt up.

 

Rey squirmed.

 

“I know I gained some weight when—“

 

“You’re perfect,” Ben said, nipping at her side, licking the soft skin around her navel. “Fucking perfect. I can’t believe you’re here.”

 

“M’here,” Rey mumbled, reaching down to pull her shirt over her head.

 

Ben was on his knees, kissing her up to where her thin bra covered her tits. They were definitely a little bigger and Ben groaned, mouthing at a nipple through the soft fabric.

 

“Lay down,” he said, and Rey didn’t hesitate.

 

They had all the time in the world to talk, right now she _needed to feel him._

 

Ben moved over her, kissing her ear, the side of her face, her neck. He peppered kisses slowly— so slowly— downward.

 

“Ben,” Rey whined.

 

He didn’t speed up, didn’t seem rushed at all. His lips— god his lips— open and wet against her collar bone, her solar plexus.

 

He kissed between her breasts and tugged at her bra. Rey reached back to unhook it.

 

Ben let out a shaking breath as he looked at her.

 

He was looking at her like he couldn’t believe she was real. Rey knew the feeling.

 

Ben and Rey had only slept together once, and it was beautiful, sure— but tainted by fear and desperation and loss.

 

This was nothing like that.

 

Ben took his time as he looked at her, used a thumb to trace circles over of her nipples. Rey jerked a little and Ben smirked.

 

“Does it feel good?”

 

She nodded, biting her lip.

 

“More.”

 

Ben leaned down and licked her, then he blew cool air over her. Her nipples tightened into little pebbles.

 

“Perfect,” Ben said, and he leaned down to mouth at her again. It felt _so good._ Rey moaned and threaded her fingers through his hair and he suckled at her.

 

“Ben,” she moaned, but he didn’t stop, his pace was agonizingly slow as he teased her.

 

She tried to arch against him, to get some friction, but he wasn’t having it.

 

He smirked as he hovered above her. Just out of reach. She huffed.

 

“Ben _please.”_

 

“Ben please what?”

 

His mouth was on her again, back on her neck, sucking at her pulse point.

 

“Please touch me,” she whined.

 

Ben grabbed her hand, linking their fingers.

 

“I am.”

 

“Oh my god you fucking tease,” she whimpered. “Ben—“

 

He took mercy on her, moving to unbutton her shorts and Rey started shivering in anticipation.

 

She watched him, hovering above her, a study in contrast. His pale skin and his dark hair, the white shirt and dark jeans.

 

“You too— off,” she said, pulling uselessly at his shirt.

 

Ben reached behind him to grip his shirt from the neck and tugged it over his head.

 

Rey sat up, crowding him. Ben inhaled sharply in surprise as she clung to him, kissing the skin of his chest. She put her hand on his heart— it was beating _so fast._

 

Ben’s hands were still tugging at her shorts but there was very little room between them as they grappled and undressed.

 

Ben managed to get her shorts off, so she was in just her panties below him, where he was still in his dark jeans.

 

She grabbed his face and he lowered his weight onto her, sliding their bodies together so she could feel the outline of his cock through his jeans, the rough denim against her damp panties.

 

“Shit,” she said, canting her hips up, chasing the friction.

 

Ben groaned and settling his weight on her, rocking against her.

 

“More,” she begged him and he reached under her to grab her ass, hiking her leg up.

 

“God you have no idea,” he whispered, “no idea how much I thought about this— how much I missed you.”

 

“I do! Ben, I _do_.”

 

She could hear the desperation in her voice and didn’t care. She wanted him to know.

 

Ben reached between their bodies and pushed her panties to the side, dipping his fingers into her.

 

She was embarrassingly wet, but she wasn’t embarrassed at all. She spread her legs for him, let him pull back to look at her.

 

Their first time had been fumbling, but now he spread her open with his fingers and groaned.

 

He didn’t even take her underwear off, just leaned down and started licking her while holding the fabric to the side.

 

“Holy shit,” Rey said, which was lucky because her _actual_ thought as he started sucking on her clit was _boy show me what dat mouf do._

 

She almost laughed but it choked off into a moan as he worked her, sloppy but eager.

 

She gripped his hair, blinking back tears.

 

_Ben, Ben, Ben._

 

“Ben,” she whined. It felt so good but it wasn’t what she needed.

 

“Yeah,” he said, and he started undoing his jeans, pushing them down.

 

He knew what she needed without her having to say it, like always.

 

He pushed his boxers and his jeans off in one motion, kicking at them until they fell to the floor with a thud.

 

Rey pushed her panties off proper, tossing them aside.

 

It was midday and late summer, the light outside was bright and yellow as it streamed in her window, past her gauzy curtains. Warm sunshine. She could see Ben so clearly, every freckle and mole, every tiny scar. She had him mapped.

 

She pushed his shoulders until he rolled onto his back.

 

She sat on her knees next to him, drinking him in.

 

He was naked. It was less startling this time but no less mesmerizing. She dragged her eyes over him and he let her, lying lazily, one hand wrapped around his cock.

 

He had filled out even more over summer, muscle building under skin. His hair was longer too, covering his ears.

 

Rey looked at his profile, his nose and Adam’s apple, sticking out. She looked at his shoulders and moved to kiss the series of moles across his chest.

 

Ben’s hand tightened around his dick as she started kissing him, and she took his hand, moving it away.

 

Ben whimpered a little but then Rey straddled him, the wet heat of her pussy dragging along him and he gasped, grabbing her hips.

 

“Condom,” he choked.

 

“When I was at Oak Tree,” she panted, “they put me on all kinds of pills. _The_ pill _,_ too.”

 

That’s all Ben needed, apparently, because he pulled her down flush against him so his dick could rub through her folds, the fat heat nudging against her clit.

 

His fingers against her hips were bruising, as was his mouth when she leaned down to kiss him.

 

Rey reached between them, gripping him tight and guiding him.

 

She raised her hips up, bracing her hand on his shoulders while she slotted herself against him.

 

She started to sink down, blinking away tears as she took him by inches.

 

“Rey,” he breathed, he was clearly trying to keep very still.

 

“Yeah,” she said, her voice laced with wonder. He looked up at her, and it was so very _Ben,_ Ben’s eyes the same ones she had been looking into her entire life, his hands on her, the same hands that held hers in the treehouse.

 

“I love you,” he said, and Rey had to hold back tears

 

She tried to catch her breath, the overstuffed sensation of being impaled on Ben combining with the overfull sensation of her heart, of all this love, of every memory.

 

She started to move— she rocked her hips and watched his face change, his eyes darkening to black, and the way he hissed through his teeth.

 

Then he rocked up to meet her and her vision nearly blacked out.

 

She saw Ben as he was at five, quiet and wide eyed, following her around the playground, holding hands in the dark.

 

She saw Ben at twelve, awkward and gangly and adorable, in their treehouse, his eyes following her.

 

Ben now, broad shouldered and beautiful and fucking up into her --

 

The way he _looked at her._ He had always been _looking at her_ just like that.

 

Rey started to cry, clutching him tighter.

 

Ben sat up, still inside of her, shifting her weight so she could wrap her legs around him and oh— she didn’t know it was possible to be this close, to have someone so deep inside you in so many ways.

 

“Am I hurting you?” he whispered, and he kissed the corner of her eye where a tear was falling. “Because we can stop.”

 

“Don’t you dare,” she said, voice raspy and low. She leaned in and closed the little space between them, sucking his lips and his tongue until he started to move again. “It feels so good Ben I just—“

 

_I love you so much it hurts._

 

“I know,” he said, as if he were in her head, sharing her thoughts. “Rey this— holy shit. You feel so good.”

 

Rey gasped as Ben gripped her and flipped them, so he was hovering over her. He started fucking her faster, the wet sounds between them filled the air, mingling with the summer sun and the smell of sweat.

 

Rey was crazy to think of this place as _hers_ . It would always be _theirs._ Any place she loved would have to have Ben in it also.

 

“B-Ben,” she grunted, he was pushing so fast, and it felt so good. Ben moved a hand between her legs to play with her clit. “I’m gonna—“

 

“I know,” he said, hiking her leg up. “Me too.”

 

She could feel his breath on her neck and she cupped his face, pressing her forehead against his as she started to come.

 

She could tell Ben was going to come with her, that he was just barely holding on—

 

She tipped, falling into him, and around him, and inside of him, and she felt his his dick jerk inside of her, again, and again, as he spilled himself.

 

One day, they could make a baby like this. One day.

 

Rey was gasping for air when he collapsed on top of her.

 

He kissed her—right away— coming up to wrap her in his arms and press her against his chest.

 

Finally he spoke.

 

“I can’t believe this is your house,” he said.

 

Rey laughed, muffling the sound into his neck.

 

“I know, right. It’s not too far from you, right? I got a car too…”

 

“It’s not far,” he said, “maybe twenty minutes. Technically it is the furthest away from me you’ve ever lived, but,” he shrugged.

 

“I don’t know what campus rules are about housing,” Rey said, playing with his hair. “But if you wanted to live here too, you could. Whenever. Next year, or in a few years, or next week—“

 

Ben kissed her again.

 

When she pulled away she steeled herself.

 

“I know how much I hurt you,” she couldn’t look at him as she said it. “I am just so, so sorry, Ben I— I never wanted— I never slept with Hux or anything like that I just— I thought I was protecting you.”

 

Silent tears fell.

 

“Rey,” he said. “Baby, look at me.” He gripped her face and turned it toward his. “I forgive you. I _forgive_ you, and not only that but I am fucking _proud_ of you. You have no idea— no idea.”

 

Rey tried to speak but it was just high pitched crying noises which made Ben laugh, which made Rey laugh, which made Ben kiss her again and so they kissed for a long time.

  
  
  


**December** **2018**

 

“I told you it would fit,” Rey said, hip checking Ben.

 

“I owe you five dollars,” Ben said, standing back and admiring the tree.

 

It was a _big tree_ and their apartment was not very large, but it _did fit_ so Rey counted it as a victory.

 

“You have to let it sit for a few days, so the branches drop,” Rey told him.

 

Ben had never had a Christmas tree before.

 

“We can decorate over the weekend when your mom comes.”

 

Ben nodded and turned to look at Rey.

 

“Did you get the week off work?”

 

“Yep!” Rey beamed. She had been working at an art studio, teaching after-school classes for kids. Two days a week she took courses at the community college, but both she and Ben were out for winter break.

 

“I can’t believe she decided to come here instead of making us come to her,” Rey said, putting on the coffee pot and pulling mugs down.

 

“I can,” Ben said. “She knows how much this place means to you—“

 

“To us.”

 

“To _us_ ,” Ben smiled. He had moved in with her summer after his freshman year, six months prior.

 

“All those years playing house in a treehouse,” Rey said.

 

“It was good practice,” Ben said. “But we have a real home now.”

 

Rey busied herself with coffee because her eyes were stinging.

 

Ben was behind her in an instant, kissing her neck, his hands on her hips.

 

Rey turned around and looked at Ben, and then at their home. The things they had carried with them from the past, the things they picked out together, the plans they had for their future.

 

Outside, snow fell, but inside it was warm. They didn’t even need a space heater.

 

“I love you,” Rey told him. “Always did.”

 

“Always will,” Ben finished.

 

They kissed until coffee was done, and then they sat together on the couch, sock covered feet tangled, and watched the snow fall.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. My heart is so full, so light. This was an odd duck for me. This idea sort of crashed into me fully formed when I was in the PIT of grief.
> 
> My ex boyfriend died about a year ago and I lost my damn mind. He was my first love, and I loved him immeasurably. There’s a lot of him in this story. 
> 
> I honestly didn’t know how this could have a happy ending, I didn’t see any way out of the darkness when I started this project and I had to heal alongside these two. 
> 
> I’m sorry this update took actually forever, I know that’s shitty. It had to be this way, I wasn’t ready. 
> 
> I’m ready now.
> 
> It’s been a wild eleven months since I started this, if you stuck with me, thank you so much. If you’re just finding this now, I hope it helps you the way it helped me. 
> 
> For those of you who have asked, there’s a link to my ko-fi on both my [tumblr](http://r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666)
> 
> Endless love and healing to you all.  
> <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. Hey guys. This is heavy stuff. This is an exercise in healing for me. There will be dark themes throughout this whole thing. I will try to tag what I think needs to be tagged without giving away too much. If there are tags I don't want to include in the main tag section, I will let you know and tuck them into end notes. I hope you guys enjoy this, please, please let me know what you think. 
> 
> If you don't already, follow me on [tumblr](http://r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666)
> 
> Title is from Treehouse by FIN


End file.
